At Peace

I still remember that hospital visit as if it were yesterday. It was January of 2008 and I decided to take this 2 week visit as a gift. A gift to take time for me and really search and ponder what was before me in regards to my future and my families future. I remember spending most of the first week just reading. Reading scriptures, talks by General Authorities, and my past journals. I rarely had the tv on which was very different for me. I usually had that thing on even if I wasn't watching trying to rid myself of the quiet. This time I welcomed the peace. I remember one day deciding that rather than pray, I was going to listen. Whatever popped into my head I would write down. I still recall what I wrote down and am amazed at how it's all worked out so far.

I remember finally, maybe for the first time since Cambree was born, feeling at complete peace with my family and our situation at the time. Ben, Emilee, and Cambree, the three Musketeers, the three amigos, threes company. We together could take on the world. I felt complete joy for our little family and all that lay ahead of us. For years I had struggled wondering if there was another child for our family and for years the answer that came was always the same, I'll let you know. At that moment I felt He was letting me know and then something came over me that I cant describe and the thought came, you need to have another baby. Confusion is a word that can't begin to describe what I felt at that moment. How could I finally feel peace about my family and in the next moment feel as if there was another one needing to join us?

I have since learned how the Lord works with me.  He gives me peace and then he fills me in on the journey he has set before me, stone by stone, brick by brick it begins to unfold and this is when my journey for Lawson truly began unfolding. It took years for me to fully understand the way the Lord works with me. It also took a lot of second guessing myself and wondering if those thoughts were my own or from a greater power. As it has been fulfilled with many tears from fear, humility and gratitude I have come to know my Savior and Heavenly Father in a new way.

The peace that comes from our Savior is real. He is real! He Lives! He wants us to have joy and peace and love beyond measure. I am so very grateful for this knowledge and so grateful for the power He has in my life. I look into my sons eyes and I feel the presence of the spirit in my home continually. I have joy beyond measure and I wonder to myself, how is it possible for one person to have every wish they have ever wished be fulfilled? I truly do, and I could not be more happy than I am in these moments.

Cambree Turns 7

I cant believe that my baby girl is 7 years old.  It feels like yesterday that we brought her home without a clue what we were doing!  I think so far we are doing a pretty okay job.  She is the most amazing little girl that I know.  She surprises me everyday.  Some good, some not as good:)  I love how beautiful she is.  She has a beautiful soul, the love and compassion that she has for others amazes me.  She is friends with anyone and everyone.  She gets along pretty well with everyone.  One minute she'll be playing with her cousins her age and the next she is playing with her 3 and 4 year old cousins.  Im so proud of her and so thankful that I get to be her mom.  I think she is turning out to be a pretty spectacular little lady, even if she is a little sassy at times.  I love you Miss Cambree Malli!

My beautiful baby girl!

We took her breakfast in bed and this is how we found her.

One tired little lady!

Lawson is so happy for her to get all her presents.  Im pretty sure this wont always be the case:)

Her new scooter.

The cake I made for her this year.  She loves tangled so I thought I would give it a shot.

We actually celebrated her birthday a little early at an Easter party that quite a few of her cousins would be too.  The most low key party ive had for her.

Im pretty sure her wish will come true.

Time

It's amazing how time works. My thoughts this past week have been turned to two things, both involve getting each child here. A year ago at this time we were getting ready to transfer our beautiful embryos into my angel sister in law. Seven years ago at this time was a very different story...

I know, every year I revisit the greatest and most challenging weeks of my life, so if you're tired of reading about it stop now.

I don't know why I feel the need to relive these events every year. I believe it is because I am still, and will forever be in awe at the grace of God.

The moments that have brought my children into this world are nearest and dearest to my heart. It is through these events that have shaped me and shaken me to my very core. They have brought me closer to God and my Savior and shown me with God all things are possible.  I have learned just how strong and determined I am with the help of his love and grace.

I wont say the past 7 years have been easy, they haven't been. Fulfilling? More than I ever thought possible.

I remember coming off the vent for the first time and being wheeled from ICU back to my regular room. They wheeled me from my room in my bed and as I was about to head through the double doors I saw one of the amazing doctors that had helped save my life. He saluted me. I've never been saluted in my life and probably never will be again.  It was a very poignant reminder that I had survived, I was a fighter and I was going to continue fighting. From that moment on I have vowed to go through this life and this disease fighting with everything I had and hopefully doing so with dignity and grace.

If someone would have told me 7 years ago that I would be where I am now I'm not sure I would have believed them. I had Drs telling me I'd probably never get off continuous oxygen, that I would never have another child, and that I had a 50% chance that I'd live five years. The older I get and the more I learn I realize I never should have been able to do any of these things. But I did. I survived, I'm still surviving; I'm still fighting. Believe me, I know it is not because of me that I have been able to do these things, but through a loving Heavenly Father that allowed me to live if I was willing to work for it. Words will never describe my love and gratitude for him allowing me to be here and raise my children. The past 7 years with my beautiful daughter have been more amazing than anyone could have told me. Now being a mom of two I never knew my heart could love so much, so deeply. I understand more fully the love our Heavenly Father and Savior have for us. I would have given my life for my little girl if it was asked of me, I'm just glad I didn't have to.

To read more about bringing Cambree into this world read here

What If?

Sometimes  I have wondered, what if I was never born with Cystic Fibrosis?  How different would my life be?  How different would I be? Would I be as dedicated to life or living as I am?  Would I be as caring and compassionate as I am?  Would I have the same empathy for others?  Would I have the same relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior? Would I be as responsible or as kind?  Would I be as happy as I am?  Now believe me these are all things I need to work on still, but in all honesty, I believe that it is through my trials with CF that I have become this person and I wouldnt want it any other way.

Are there days I wish I didnt have to do my daily treatments?  Or times I wish I could breath easier or have more energy?  Absolutely!  But it is through these times that I have found just what I am made of.  I look around me and I literally want for nothing.  I have everything I have ever needed and then some.  I am truly blessed.

This past hospital stay didnt pan out exactly as I had hoped.  My lung tests were a little lower than I had expected and for some reason this upset me more than I like to admit.  I always tell myself to not go by the numbers but how I feel. This is easier said than done. I actually feel pretty good, which I am so grateful for.  But after this particular test I took the day I got out of the hospital, feeling pretty good did not outweigh the fact that my lungs at that moment were not as "well" as they were a year ago on that exact same day.  It overwhelmed me with many things but essentially tears was how it was expressed.  I cried.  I dont like to admit that I cry.  Of course we all cry and we all need to, but I feel like I have built this personna with my friends and family that I am tough.  That I can handle anything and I dont let it get to me.  I think I have, but who knows, maybe thats all in my head :)  Anyway, I cried, I cried hard, I cried for a long time in fact.  This is the nature of CF, to lose more lung function and it scared me.

I'll admit, this isnt the first time Ive cried about CF, and pretty sure it wont be the last.  But,it is in those very intimate, at times vey scary moments where I have found my Savior.  I have felt His love surround me and even at times felt His arms embrace me and give me the courage to face the scary, the unknown.  He has helped give me the faith to know that with Him anything is possible.  I cried, and then, I remembered what I know and all that I have and I dried my eyes.  I am facing the world with a renewed sense of self and I am determined to continue in my journey with CF, the good, the bad, the ugly...and sometimes smelly.  Thank you CF for helping me be who I am.  (I kind of like myself) Thank you for giving me the determination to fight you with every ounce of my spirit.  Its on!

What A Difference A Year Makes

As crazy as it seems, it was exactly one year ago today that I was admitted to the hospital. First of all, the last time I have gone a year without a hospital stay was over a decade ago. This is marking some new territory and I hope it stays that way. Secondly, it was also exactly a year ago that we went to court for all our surrogacy legalities.

There is actually quite a story involved and yet another miracle for court working out exactly as it did, but that my have to be told at a later date. What I actually want to write about is what happened during court. I remember it very vividly, it is one of those moments that changes you, makes you better, and leaves you in awe of the tender mercies and love that the Lord has for you.

Our appearance in front of the judge was actually in the judges chambers. I remember sitting in a chair and everything seeming so surreal, this was it, this was the start of our child coming to be. I remember looking at both Spencer and Abby and thinking, wow, we are really doing this. They are really going on this journey with us. What happened next was something I never would have expected. Quoting from my journal:

"Our lawyer was stating the medical necessity for surrogacy (in UT it is required to have a medical need.) and was discussing my health and the fact that I would most likely not survive another pregnancy and that I almost didn't survive the first one. (This coming from a letter my Dr. wrote. It's really kind of surreal listening to someone tell your story from their perspective. As he spoke I felt a flood of memories from the past 6 years come pouring in washing over me. I felt all the heartache and hard work in getting healthier and struggling with the decision to have another baby, constantly wondering if I would survive or bounce back like I did before. Suddenly everything I had been through was validated and now was the time to move on from all of those emotions and know that this was the Lords plan all along. This is where he had led me, led us and none of it was done in vain. I felt a release from those past struggles and an overwhelming peace and joy for the future. It took everything I had to hold back the tears that were bursting inside of me. It was finally happening, the baby I had been waiting for, that had been waiting for me was closer than ever. I knew this was His plan and none of us could deny it."

Now exactly one year later I am overcome with emotion at the sweetness that is my life. I am filled with gratitude and joy beyond belief and I know there are still many amazing experiences left to fulfill. My God is a good God! He is full of love, joy, and mercy and I look forward to the continued journey He is leading me and my sweet family on.

Lawson Blessing

On February 6th 2011 we had the amazing opportunity of having our little guy blessed in church. Ben did such an amazing job and I am so grateful to be married to a man that honors his priesthood and is worthy to bless our children. It was a beautiful blessing and our son has great things in store for him. I pray that Ben and I can help to mold him and lead him where he needs to be in his life.

The Happy Parents

Four Generations, I love these women

Ben with all of his grandparents.  This is a fabulous picture we didnt even know his Kizerian grandparents when Cambree was born.

Kathi and Bull have practically adopted us.  We are so grateful to have them in our lives.

My mom and dad Ericksen,  Cambree was not feeling well, but she was a champion

Me with my namesake Sophia Emilee Beaird.  I love this girl, she makes me smile.

Dad and Mom Cox

I love this picture.  Abby made it all possible.

We have all had quite a year together.

Ben with his Kizerian couins, it was fun having them here.

After the blessing we watched the big game, that stunk.  We were all in our Steelers gear so Aunt Whit bought Lawson a little of his own. Too bad they couldnt pull it together.

All in all it was a fantastic day!  We have so much love and support from so many family and friends.  We are so blessed!

He's 30!

Well He's finally 30!  I just wanted to make a post especially for Ben on his birthday.  Its funny to me that Ben is 30 and we have known and been together since he was 16 years old.  That is nearly half our lives.  So crazy!  We have certainly been through a lot of stuff together and I like to think we have come out stronger than before.  Yes,Im going to be sappy!

Ben met me when I was very cynical about love and relationships.  He taught me what it means to love and be loved in return.  He has stuck by me through some very scary times when I think most would have bolted for the door.  I still remember when we were dating and we were very serious talking about marriage, I asked him if he really knew what he was getting into with me and dealing with my illness.  He said he did (although, know one can really be prepared for all that this brings).  I told him I wouldnt blame him if he turned and ran beforeit got too serious and he told me that he loved me with or without CF and probably more with because it helped make me who I am.  He has always promised to stand by me through everything and he has gone above and beyond the call of husbandly duties i.e. grown-up diapers.  Another story entirely.

There are times when I think I couldnt possibly love this man anymore and then amazingly I do.  Im so proud of him and the person that he is.  He has taught me so much about dealing with adversity and rising above it.  All th while having an incredible attitude.  He continues to try to teach me to not fret over the stuff i have no control over.  Im learning...kind of.  He never ceases to amaze me with his ability to handle tough situations and people from all walks of life.  He is the most amazing father and our kids are so lucky to have him. 

I am so proud to be his wife.  There is no one that can tick me off more than him and in the next instant have me in full on belly laughs.  Thanks for all you do Ben.  Thanks for your willingness to share your life with me!  Thank you for being the most brave, and funny person I know,  There is never a dull moment.

I love you baby!  Happy 30th Birthday!

A much younger version of Ben on his mission

Thanks for always amusing me and going to Disneyland way more than you ever wanted.

Thank you for adoring me.  I never wonder how you feel.

Thank you for being the most incredible father.

Thank you for filling our lives with joy!

Thank you for your humor!

Thank you for your love