Nostalgia

So around this time of year I always get a bit nostalgic. Well the definition of nostalgia is according to Webster: sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past. So I guess I am not sure that Nostalgia would be the best word for the feelings I get around this time of year.

I know I have shared bits here and there about having Cambree and the feelings and complications that went on. I hope I am not tiring in this subject. It is one that I hold very dear to me and is a time that I will forever hold in my memory as if it were yesterday. Ben and I grew so close during these trials and I never knew that I could love someone so much as I did him at that point, amazing that in those 4 years that love has only continued to swell. I also never knew that it would be so instantaneous to love such a little creature that just entered this world. One week from this Saturday will be our little girls birthday. I can hardly believe that she is already 4 years old. It is amazing to me how the time has flown but yet at times seemed like they took forever to get here. The first two years were very difficult and I still struggle, but it has been so amazing to see the transformation not only in Cambree, but in myself as a person, mind, body, and spirit. My testimony never could have strengthened the way it did by going through the trials I had with her.

At this time 4 years ago I had been in the hospital for 1 week and had some serious complications with my health. Cambree remained well through it all. Then about 1 week before she was born, Ben went home on a Sunday night only to receive a frantic phone call from his wife. I had started coughing up blood. I was horrified. I had coughed up blood before but I had never had another being in me as I did now and I had no idea how this would complicate things. Ben got right back in the car and drove the 1 1/2 hours to be by my side. He never left my side again until we returned home with our little one.

The doctors evaluated me for a while. I then coughed up blood again so they took me to ICU to be watched. I couldnt eat anything and was not happy about it. Nearing the end of the 24 hr period in ICU they were talking of putting me back down on the regular floor. My mom was getting ready to go home and as she was packing up said a prayer that if something was going to happen to let it happen now so she would know to stay. Low and behold within about a minute of the doctor leaving my bedside saying things looked good, it started up again. They ran and grabbed the doctor and within minutes I was out only to awake to my Dad, stepmom, brother and his wife. I was thinking it was 5 in the morning and couldnt believe that it was 5 in the afternoon. I had missed a whole day. They put me on the vent during that time and had to keep me sedated while they waited for another doc to come and work his magic. During this time I am told that a nurse was very negligent. Ben I don't think has ever wanted to take a life until this moment. Needless to say she gave me far too much sedation medicine at once rather than spreading it out over a period of time and I started to crash. She called for the crash cart and Ben nearly lost it. My heart rate was in the 30's. Cambree was stable amazingly. They got me back to where I should be and all was well. I of course don't remember any of this. I was in a very peaceful sleep.

So fast forward a few days...on saturday the 24th we were told that due to my leaking of amniotic fluid it was time to take the baby. They would start me Sunday evening and I would probably have her sometime Monday evening. Ben said he needed 6 more weeks to prepare to be a father. It was all happening so fast. I hadnt even had a baby shower yet and had nothing ready for the baby to come. I got a little panicky. Sunday night they started me and by Monday morning I had slept very little. I had a lot of discomfort in my back. They told me I had been having contractions all night. I still wasnt dialated only to a 1, but there was some progress. They decided to give me an epidural about 10:00 and by 10:30 they started me on the pit. At 10:45 (I believe, the times could be off a bit.) I started to cough up blood. Talk about nurses that freak out. She unhooked the pitossin, but didnt clamp my IV off so blood was going all down my arm. All I could think was what a moron. They need to teach some nurses how to act in time of crisis. I was then wheeled up to ICU in my bed. About 7 doctors stood around scratching their heads wondering what to do. They told us we had 3 options. There 4th option was squashed since they couldnt stop labor. This little girl was on her way and the contractions were getting much much bigger. They told me we could go ahead as normal but that there main concern would be me and not the baby. 2 have a C-section with me awake but agian I would be priority or 3- have an emergency C-section but Ben couldnt be in the room. We knew what our option really was but it was tough to know that Ben wouldnt be there. During all of this I knew that all would be well. That Cambree and I would be fine. I had been told in a blessing in the very beginning that Cambree and I would both be okay and I clung to that throughout my whole pregnancy.

I have no idea what time they wheeled me down to have the baby, but that was a very difficult moment leaving Ben there in the hallway. They prepped me before they began to put me out which I really hated. I am claustrophobic and this was not a fun experience. Then I remember being in my room and asking what time she was born and how much she weighed, was she pretty? I kept asking over and over agian not remembering that I had already asked that question. She was born at 2:08 p.m. and weighed 4 lbs. I had never seen anything so small.


This was the first time I held her a few days after she was born

I remember the first time I saw her. She was already 12 hours old. It was 2:00 a.m. and I couldn't wait to get my hands on her any longer. The doctor finally came in and said if you want to go now you can. I had been awake all night waiting to hear those beautiful words. It was time to meet my baby. Ben was asleep in the chair that he so faithfully slept in for the entire month. I had to muster all of my strength and energy to throw pillows to wake him up. He had had a rough day not knowing if I or Cambree or both would be okay. Emotionally draining as I am sure you all understand. Ben acted annoyed, but I knew he was as excited as I was. He of course had already seen her everyone had but me. Oh the unfairness of it all.

Ben wheels me down and takes me in to the NICU. He says to me, "this one is ours" I just looked at her as if I had never seen anything so beautiuful and in all honesty, I hadn't. She was perfect. The tears welled up and I couldn't speak. WE have it all on tape and there is so much I don't remember from being on the drugs. When I watch the tape I think, "wow I dont' remember saying that at all." I remember thinking that I wasn't just meeting her, that we had known each other for much longer. I couldn't believe how small she was and that she had actually been in my stomach not even 24 hours ago. It was all a little overwhelming. I didn't know how I was going to take care of such a fragile little thing. We couldn't hold her yet. Only touch her. We had to hold her head and her legs in our hands. She didn't like stroking. It was agitating to her. She was so small but yet so strong.

I remember in the days to come they would tell me that she was a bit fiesty. I laughed. She must be Ben and I's. They said that it was only when I was there that she was so calm and at peace and I knew that she knew I was her mother and could feel my presence. It is an amazing connection. She used to perk right up when I would walk into a room and she could hear my oxygen puffing. She always heard me coming.

As I had to leave that first night I remember Ben wheeling me out and hearing her cry. I just wanted to hold her and comfort her and I knew that was all that she wanted as well and it broke my heart. I just began to cry. It still amazes me all that we have been through together in so little of time. I look so forward to the many birthdays that I pray we are able to share.

The Lord has blessed our lives so incredibly. It is hard to describe the love that we feel from Him. We are so grateful for all that we have been given!