What If?

Sometimes  I have wondered, what if I was never born with Cystic Fibrosis?  How different would my life be?  How different would I be? Would I be as dedicated to life or living as I am?  Would I be as caring and compassionate as I am?  Would I have the same empathy for others?  Would I have the same relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior? Would I be as responsible or as kind?  Would I be as happy as I am?  Now believe me these are all things I need to work on still, but in all honesty, I believe that it is through my trials with CF that I have become this person and I wouldnt want it any other way.

Are there days I wish I didnt have to do my daily treatments?  Or times I wish I could breath easier or have more energy?  Absolutely!  But it is through these times that I have found just what I am made of.  I look around me and I literally want for nothing.  I have everything I have ever needed and then some.  I am truly blessed.

This past hospital stay didnt pan out exactly as I had hoped.  My lung tests were a little lower than I had expected and for some reason this upset me more than I like to admit.  I always tell myself to not go by the numbers but how I feel. This is easier said than done. I actually feel pretty good, which I am so grateful for.  But after this particular test I took the day I got out of the hospital, feeling pretty good did not outweigh the fact that my lungs at that moment were not as "well" as they were a year ago on that exact same day.  It overwhelmed me with many things but essentially tears was how it was expressed.  I cried.  I dont like to admit that I cry.  Of course we all cry and we all need to, but I feel like I have built this personna with my friends and family that I am tough.  That I can handle anything and I dont let it get to me.  I think I have, but who knows, maybe thats all in my head :)  Anyway, I cried, I cried hard, I cried for a long time in fact.  This is the nature of CF, to lose more lung function and it scared me.

I'll admit, this isnt the first time Ive cried about CF, and pretty sure it wont be the last.  But,it is in those very intimate, at times vey scary moments where I have found my Savior.  I have felt His love surround me and even at times felt His arms embrace me and give me the courage to face the scary, the unknown.  He has helped give me the faith to know that with Him anything is possible.  I cried, and then, I remembered what I know and all that I have and I dried my eyes.  I am facing the world with a renewed sense of self and I am determined to continue in my journey with CF, the good, the bad, the ugly...and sometimes smelly.  Thank you CF for helping me be who I am.  (I kind of like myself) Thank you for giving me the determination to fight you with every ounce of my spirit.  Its on!