At Peace

I still remember that hospital visit as if it were yesterday. It was January of 2008 and I decided to take this 2 week visit as a gift. A gift to take time for me and really search and ponder what was before me in regards to my future and my families future. I remember spending most of the first week just reading. Reading scriptures, talks by General Authorities, and my past journals. I rarely had the tv on which was very different for me. I usually had that thing on even if I wasn't watching trying to rid myself of the quiet. This time I welcomed the peace. I remember one day deciding that rather than pray, I was going to listen. Whatever popped into my head I would write down. I still recall what I wrote down and am amazed at how it's all worked out so far.

I remember finally, maybe for the first time since Cambree was born, feeling at complete peace with my family and our situation at the time. Ben, Emilee, and Cambree, the three Musketeers, the three amigos, threes company. We together could take on the world. I felt complete joy for our little family and all that lay ahead of us. For years I had struggled wondering if there was another child for our family and for years the answer that came was always the same, I'll let you know. At that moment I felt He was letting me know and then something came over me that I cant describe and the thought came, you need to have another baby. Confusion is a word that can't begin to describe what I felt at that moment. How could I finally feel peace about my family and in the next moment feel as if there was another one needing to join us?

I have since learned how the Lord works with me.  He gives me peace and then he fills me in on the journey he has set before me, stone by stone, brick by brick it begins to unfold and this is when my journey for Lawson truly began unfolding. It took years for me to fully understand the way the Lord works with me. It also took a lot of second guessing myself and wondering if those thoughts were my own or from a greater power. As it has been fulfilled with many tears from fear, humility and gratitude I have come to know my Savior and Heavenly Father in a new way.

The peace that comes from our Savior is real. He is real! He Lives! He wants us to have joy and peace and love beyond measure. I am so very grateful for this knowledge and so grateful for the power He has in my life. I look into my sons eyes and I feel the presence of the spirit in my home continually. I have joy beyond measure and I wonder to myself, how is it possible for one person to have every wish they have ever wished be fulfilled? I truly do, and I could not be more happy than I am in these moments.