Difficult Conversatins part II

So it finally happend. I finally had THE conversation with Cambree. Im not quite sure how it got to this point, it was certainly not something I had been planning unless you count all of the time since she was born Ive spent pondering what on earth I would say to my daughter when the time was right and how on earth would I know just when that "right" time was? It began something like this: Cambree: Mom, why cant I ever eat breakfast at school? Me: Because I am not going to pay for breakfast when I have perfectly good food at home to eat. Cambree: But it would save time in the morning so we arent late. (this girl has such good logic) Me: Well I am not going to pay more money out for breakfast when it is cheaper for you to eat at home. Okay, heres the deal, maybe next time I go in the hospital dad will let you eat breakfast at school so he can drop you off at 8:00 and not be late for work. (I think I am giving a great answer that will satisfy both of us. Needless to say, this is not what happened. Not even close.) Cambree then begins to cry. Cambree: I thought you werent ever going back in the hospital again. Me: Cambree, of course I am going in the hospital again, that is what happens, I always have to go back in we just always hope I can stay out later than the last time. Cambree continues to cry Cambree: But I'll miss you. Me: I know honey I will miss you too, I always miss you when I go, but I am not going hopefully anytime soon so dont worry about something thats not happening yet. (she has a tendency to do that type of thing) I continued to talk to Cambree about her feelings and try to understand what all the tears were about. I asked her if it scared her when I went in and why. She said it did and that she always gets sad and misses me. We continued this for a little bit and as I wanted to avoid it I felt that thing inside me, ( some of you may recognize it as the spirit) tell me now was the time and I would have help to know what to say. I finally asked her if she was scared that when I go in that I may not come back. With tears in her eyes all she could do was nod her head at me and say, "yes." I then told her that yes, people with CF dont always live along time, but I also told her some really personal stories about answers to prayers I have received and things that are talked about in my patriarchal blessing. I told her that when I was almost 16 I was going into the hospital for the first time and I was really scared and thought that meant that I wasnt going to live very long so I prayed to Heavenly Father that I would be able to get my patrarchal blessing before I went in and thankfully I did. I told her how it gave me peace of mind to know that I was going to get married and have children. I told her other things in my blessing that probably shouldnt be shared so freely but that have really helped me througout my life and with this illness to know that I could be here a while. I also told her that I will always be honest with her and if I ever get really sick and she needs to worry I will let her know. That she can always talk to me about her fears. I think all of these things gave her peace and I pray that this will not add anxiety to her life. I dont want her constantly worried that Im going to die. I hope it alleviated some unknowns to her that maybe scared her more due to her active imagination. She is such a smart kid and I knew she knew. I knew it, I think I have always known it. For a while I just didnt want to admit it and make it more real. I knew that she knew what CF meant and that was why it scared her so much. I just wasnt ready to deal with this topic until now and even now I have many doubts if it was really the right time. How do you know the right time to turn your 6 year old baby girl from a 6 year old child to a 6 year old child dealing with really adult issues? Although, when I think about it she has always been a child having to see the world through older eyes than most children. Sometimes I think this makes her more lovely to me but also saddens me. It somehow makes us more alike and brings me back to my childhood filled with toys and games and all the fun things that other children got to do but with real matters on my shoulders that no one else had to worry about. And I see my daughter differently now somehow older and wiser than she was when she woke up that morning and at times I wish I could take it all back and make her think that all is right in the world. But I know that I cant take it back and I will never be able to. In her mind she will always know without question that CF kills I just pray that by some miracle she wont ever have to see it take her mother. To see difficult conversations part I click here.

Pondering

Im just sitting here being lazy and pondering life. Ive been thinking a lot about my health lately and am so grateful for the amazing summer that I was able to have. I felt great the whole summer, better than usual. While I was thinking about that I remember blessing that Ben gave me about 3 years ago and I remember in it it told me that I would be able to do things I thought I would never be able to do. I remember both Ben and I were bawling and at the time we thought it meant I would be able to have a baby, which Im sure it did, just not the way we expected. As I look back over the past 3 years and all the enjoyable fun things we have done and how healthy I have felt this summer in particular I am amazed again at the power of the priesthood and the fulfillment of promises given. The other day my brother sent me a link to a blog about a guy with CF. It is actually a blog I read pretty frequently but I hadnt read this specific post he was referring too. The blog is www.runsickboyrun.blogspot.com. Anyway, it was about a 29 yr old CF woman who through running and exercise increased her PFTs from 49% to 106%. This is astonishing to say the least. I was very happy for this girl. But then I started thinking about me and all the effort I put into P90X and I couldnt help but start to get down and think, "I wish that would have happened to me." Then as I went to bed and woke up with a clearer head I remebered that did happen to me. At my lowest point of pregnancy although I could not do the breathing test because I was so sick, we figure my lung tests got down into the high teens, around 18% yes that is not a typo. It was crazy. I was on a ventilator twice and fortunately able to come off. Now when my PFTs are at there best they are around 48% that my friends is amazing and it was mostly due to my dedication in exercise. I walked 6 days a week for 30 min and did 4 breathing treatments a day after I had Cambree because I knew it was my choice whether I lived or died. That is a story for another day. But instead of getting down on myself all I needed was to remember what I have come from and how blessed I am to be able to enjoy life to the fullest!

Days of Summer

This is how our summer went in a nutshell! Start at the bottom and move up:)

Roasting marshmallows and woofums, which are delicious! We did this quite a bit this summer which I absolutely love.

Cambree trying to pull a scary face during our backyard campout.

All of us trying to pull a scary face. Me attempting to do shadows on the wall.

Laughing at Cambree growling wanting us all to pull a scary face.

Silly faces

So much fun! This is going to be our annual campout.

Swimming, swimming, swimming we went with cousins swimming quite a bit.

Cambree doing swimming lessons, this was quite an ordeal. She hated the cold water which kept her from actually trying to swim. Give this girl some warm water and she becomes a fish.

Swimming at Manti pool with cousins Went to visit our great Johnsen friends and see there handsome boy blessed. What an incredible blessing it was. I cant wait for our little boys to be friends.

Had our great friends the Beairds down for the 24th. Sophie is a doll and is named after me:) Sophia Emilee Beaird.

Hanging with my Gram often. I adore this lady, she is one of my favorites.

Went to too many parades, I think one a year is sounding pretty good. Went outside and found my daughter walking up and down our driveway wearing this. She definitley has flare.

A little out of order but on our trip to St. George Cambree got me to jump off this with her. I have quite a fear of water these days so this was pretty good for me. Cambree did her second year of t-ball and did great. I am excited for her to play coach pitch next year.

Listened to my brothers band upside play quite a bit this summer. They are incredible. Benji is the lead singer and amazing and my brother Spencer plays the base and taught himself. They are two very talented people. Wish some of that talent would have come my way. Made a cake for this sweet boys birthday. Adams cake that I made. I really love working with fondant but need some more practice. I loved the cake stand that we put it on.

We traded this in for a Red Acura RDX that I absolutely love, but unfortunately dont have a picture of. Cambree hiking down from a place in St. George I thought it was such a cute picture. Cambree at the top of the place we hiked to in St. George for our Cox reunion. I was so happy I was able to do it even though I needed Oxygen:)

We had such an amazing summer and it went all too fast. I am looking forward to what the rest of this year has to bring.