What a week it has been

I have been home exactly one week today!  It has been a crazy 6 months in regards to my health and an especially hard winter.  Since Sept. I have been in the hospital 4 times.  It has been hard and frustrating.  I have put off writing this blog today because I felt that all it would be was negative and thats not me.  Its really not.  I have had a rough few days and this morning was the clencher. 

On Wed. afternoon I got a call from a good friend of mine who has CF she heard some awful news about another CF friend and we needed to find out if it was true.  The news she heard was not true, but the truth was still very upsetting.  Our friend Angelic had been sent to ICU and needed to be vented.  Its heartbreaking and scary.  Then last night Cambree came down for dinner and sounded kind of funny.  I asked if she was sick and she said she had been coughing a little.  It has sent my mind reeling and its time to reel it back in.  I am hoping that sharing some of my thoughts will do that. 

I met Angelic in Sept so we havent known each other very long, but the thing about connecting with someone with CF it is as if you have known each other forever.  We became instant friends and have had 3 hospital visits together since then.  We have had some good visits and been cheerleaders for each other.  She txt me the Sunday before she was coming to clinic and said she wasnt doing good and was going to be coming into the hospital again the next day.  I was in the hospital and was looking forward to seeing her although I was sad she was coming in again. She just left about 10 days before this so this was not good news.  The next day she was admitted and we txt a bit.  I didnt go visit her that day because I knew she was tired and upset and I didnt want to bother her.  On Tuesday I stopped by her room and we visited for a little bit.  She was scared and worried.  We talked a bit but I didnt want to visit too long.  I could tell she was tired.  She definitely was worrying me.  Everyday I would check on her and she would say, I think Im getting a little better.  On Friday I was discharged and I said good bye to her and that I would be checking on her.  I have not been able to get her off my mind.  I have never seen her that sick and that tired.  It really worried me. 

I got home and settled and had a lovely nights sleep in my own bed.  The next few nights were filled with horrible dreams about CF and my health failing me.  I kept telling Ben about it.  I thought it was probably because I was so worried about Ang.  On Monday me and the kids were playing around and Lawson coughed.  Just a little cough but it didnt sound good.  Cambree instantly looked at me and then began to cry and was worried that I would get sick and have to go back in the hospital.  It broke my heart.  Thankfully our little comic relief Lawson knew just what to say.  "Sissy crying?"  "Yes, buddy, sissy is crying."  "Sissy hungry."  We all laughed and laughed.  Of course, all this crying because she is hungry.  The next day my Oxygen wasnt doing great.  I have been borderline 90's so I decided to just wear it all day and not have to worry about it and hopefully give my lungs a little rest.  When Cambree got home from school I made sure to tell her why I was wearing it and she seemed fine with it.  Usually when I start wearing my oxygen 24/7 it is a sign that I am sick and need to go in the hospital.  That night Cambree put a letter on my lap as she went up to bed.  It read, Mom we need to talk.  Come to my room in 2 min. and knock.  She had just been a little stinker and got in trouble so I thought it had something to do with that.  When I got up to her room she apologized for how she had acted and then she asked through her tears, "why are you wearing oxygen?"  It broke my heart to see my daughter so worried about me.  No 8 year old should have to worry this much about their mom.  I held her and talked to her about the reasons for wearing it and she continued to cry and cry and share all the burdens of her little heart.  She is so worried that I will have to go back to the hospital soon and I cant blame her.  I am worried about it myself.  I tried to console her the best I could and as I went to sleep that night tears wet my pillow. 

Then Wed came and the call from my friend Somer.  I have been able to think of nothing else.  My thoughts are consumed with my dear friend Angelic and her fight for her life.  It has brought all the ugliness that I hate about CF to the forefront and I am trying despereately to push it back.  Then with Cambree getting sick my other worries about myself going back in too soon can not be contained.  Everytime Cambree would start to come near me she would start to cry because she knew I shouldnt be by her.  What mother cant cuddle her own daughter when she is sick for fear of it sending her to the hospital for 2 weeks and possibly losing precious lung function?  About a month ago my sister in law Abby called me with an idea.  She asked if it would help if when my kids got sick they went and stayed with her for a few days?  I was so grateful to her for offering, but I did not want to have to send my kids away when they are sick.  I knew it was a smart thing since if I get sick I have to leave for 2 weeks but what mother does that?  Now I am faced with it.  What do I do?  Well, being a week out of the hospital I am acceptionally vulnerable to any type of illness and I knew I had to take Abby up on her offer.  I asked Cambree if she wanted to go to Abby's I wasnt going to send her if she didnt want to.  She said she did and then she said, "I just dont want to get you sick."  crushing...  As Abby left out the door with her, the tears began to fall.  I felt defeated.  I felt as though CF was taking everything from me and wondered how my children would view me when they thought back on our lives together.  Every miserable thought that I shouldnt have been thinking was flooding my brain and consumming my soul.  Then my husband called.  My oh so wise husband, truly.  He knows me so well and he knows when I need a loving consoling husband or a put on your big girl panties husband.  Well people it was a big girl panties kind of day and he put it to me.  He told me I needed to change my thoughts and be grateful and quit consumming myself with all of this or I would end up in a dark hole of deep despair.  I hated hearing it.  In fact I was a little upset with him.  But as we hung up the words he said sank in and I knew I needed to change my thoughts.  I began to feel a deep gratitude for Abby for taking Cambree and for showing her the love she needs now.  Im thankful that she could see this answer because I know I never could have.  I also know Cambree felt relief going somewhere that wouldnt get me sick.  Thinking of Angelic and the short friendship we have had it made me not want to be friends with another person with CF, but yet as I sat thinking about all of the beautiful people that I know and how they have made my life better I would never wish to not know them.  Yes, CF has its challenges and yes, it takes up so much of my life, but it has made me this person that I am and for that I am grateful.  It has made these friends who they are and I wouldnt know them otherwise or want them any other way.

Life is hard.  It is.  There is no way around that, but we are given beautiful moments and amazing experiences.  I know when I am in the darkest of days I can look to my Savior and he can fill me with Light if I let Him in.  I am trying to let him in and help me to feel that peace again.  As I read my scriptures today I felt that.  As I read uplifting quotes from apostles and prophets I feel that.  I know He knows us each individually and can give the comfort we need if we only let Him.  I pray that my dear friend can feel His peace and love surround her and I pray if it be His will that she will be able to pull through this.  But if He has other plans I will trust in that and the heavens will gain one amazing angel and the reunion of her with her mother and sister will be something so sweet and beautiful.  I love you Ang and I know if you have any control over this you will fight for it.