Weighty matter

Okay, so this post is not to get people to tell me how how thin I am or anything of the like. It is solely for the purpose of venting.  Thats not to say you cant comment, I really enjoy comments.  Im just not throwing this out there to get compliments is all.

It seems, since I hit the ripe old age of 30(I love being in my 30s by the way). My body seemed to take on a mind of it's own. I used to be the skinny girl. Now I am in no way shape or form saying I am fat. I know I'm not fat. I'm just really struggling with my body image from what it once was, to my current situation. About 2 years ago I was exercising heavily. During that time I put on about 15 pounds. I think it was mainly muscle. Since then I have not been exercising like I should and that muscle has since turned to goo with a few pounds taxed on to it. Think of your current weight, whatever it is and add 15-20 lbs to that. You wouldn't be thrilled either would you?

However, there is an upside to this. Having Cystic Fibrosis it is extremely difficult for most of us to gain weight. I was always in this boat until recently. I remember after I had Cambree I was scary thin. I look at old pictures and I look gross. I was always told to eat as many calories as I could and often had to drink supplemental drinks (i.e. Boost, scandishake, Ensure)just to add calories. I often out ate everyone in the family. After dating Ben for about 3 months I ate the lumberjack breakfast at Dees by myself.  I don't think he knew whether to be impressed or to be scared. I remember the dietician in the hospital once told me they wanted me around 125-130 lbs. I thought she had lost her ever lovin mind. There was no way I would ever get there. I guess I was the crazy one. I still have the mentality of stuffing my face, something I'm working on. The plus side to this is that I'm at my "ideal" weight and honestly, I believe that is why I have been able to be out of the hospital as much as I have. It's for this reason, and this reason only that I am not going to try to lose weight. Although, every time I look down and see this gut hanging over my pants I have to remind myself of that. I am grateful to be healthy and I guess if it's at the cost of feeling not as great about myself it's still worth it.