Party Time!

 I cant believe the day is here!  It has been one quick year.  We had a fantastic party.  This is one spoiled and loved little boy.  What did we ever do without him?

The party spread minus the ballons.  They showed up at the last minute. We went with the jungle theme.

Heres one with the balloons.

Such a happy boy!  He knows he is loved.

The cake.  It was a little ambitious and at points I wanted to cry and throw my hands in the air.  Thanks to my incredible husband it turned out as amazing as it did.  He did the zebra stripes, tiger stripes, and the grass at the bottom.  I frosted all the cakes, made the fondant and did the top tier of the cake.  The palm trees are my favorite.

The monkey cupcakes Cambree decorated.  I helped with the mouth and nose.

These are out of order.  He loved his cake.

A little timid at first.

What better way to end the night than trying to stand up with dad?

Our family birthday shot!

Pin the trunk on Horton.  Ben drew this and I was so impressed. I married a jack of all trades.

Again out of order.  Waiting for the birthday song.

Opening presents.  He loved this stuffed dinosaur.  It was hilarious.  Thanks Kathryn!

He definitely liked the paper more than the presents.

I did a little photo collage of Lawsons first year on the wall.  It turnd out super cute.

Lawson trying to walk with his new toy from Aunt Whit.

The high chair decor.

Horton in all his glory.

 Its amazing that you can work for 3 days and then have it all be over in a snap.  It was definitely worth it though.  We love our Lawso boy and are so glad we got to celebrate with him and loved ones today.

This is How We Roll...

at the hospital.

I have to not think about all the germs I am exposing my kids to.  Hopefully Im building their immune system.  One can only hope.  But they sure do know how to entertain themselves.

Thank you nurse Todd for hours and hours of entertainment for Miss Cambree:)  She loved that she had a mask in case there was blood splatter.

Our friends Annie and Yonas came to visit.  Isnt he the cutest thing?  He loved Cambree too.

I was so happy how well Lawson did at the hospital.  I have been blessed with some pretty amazing kiddos.

Cambree enjoying having a little buddy that wanted her.

Although I never hope or want to go in the hospital I am grateful for the time that we are able to spend together as a family.  Being cooped up in an 11x12 room with each other makes for either killing each other or some pretty good entertainment.  We like to lean more towards the good entertainment, although we certainly have our moments.  Its such a good time to just have fun with each other and remember why we love each other so much.  The dancing in my room had to be my all time favorite moments of this visit.  Thanks Ben, Cambree and Lawson for making this a special time that we can always look back on and smile.  I love you guys more than I could ever possibly explain.



What would I say?

So forgive me, I'm currently on ambien and should just go to bed. I have all these thoughts running through my mind and I need to get them out. I'm sitting here watching Gene Simmons family jewels (my guilty pleasure). And they are dealing with a lot of hard issues for marriage. Gene had to write shannons eulogy as part of the healing process. Anyway, throughout this day I have thought greatly about all of the family support that I am given, especially when I am in the hospital. I sit and look at the pictures I have of my beautiful family and I wonder how I got to be where I am. I am so very blessed. I sit in this small hospital room left with my thoughts and I pray that my family knows the sheer joy and love that they bring to me. More importantly I hope they know the undescribable love and overwhelming bliss that I have for having each one of them in my life. They make my life bright when I didn't know it was dark.

For Ben, I never believed that true love was possible and that it was only something dreams and fairytales were made of. I never could have imagined how amazing our life would turn out. We are truly blessed. My life is truly enriched because of you. It s because of you that I am able to see the worth that I possess and I am grateful to you for that. Our love continues to grow each day and there are times I look at you when you aren't looking and I smile. That smile represents all that we have been through and the excitement that lies before us. You make every moment more full.

My sweet Cambree, you have given me a gift that I didnt know I needed. The gift of perseverance. I didn't know bringing you here was going to be filled with such trial and triumph. I am so grateful for the experiences I had. Through those trials, they have helped me know my Savior better and trust in Him completely. I'm grateful for your sweet spirit and your bigger than life attitude. The love I have for you makes me weep sometimes for the overabbundance of joy and worry I feel for you. You have had to deal with so much at such a young age, yet you still have such a love and zest for life. The care that i see you give your brother makes my heart happy. I pray that you will always watch out or him. You amaze me everyday and I am so thankful that I get to raise such a bright, loving, caring little munchkin!

Baby boy Lawson, I struggled for many years trying to bring you here and seeing you born was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. It was as if a weight was taken from my shoulder and I knew that you were the missing piece to the puzzle of our family! I often wondered, already having such a beautiful love for your sister if we would be able to make that connection with you. The first time I laid eyes on you I was smitten. Sometimes I feel as if though our souls connect and no words need to be spoken. You are my bubbers and I try to not miss a moment of all the changes that occur daily. Eleven moths have already passed and yet it seems like ive only blinked and suddenly you aren't a baby anymore. I want to capture every moment. Your personality is hilarious and I can't wait to see what awaits you. I pray that both you and your sis will love the lord as your dad and I do and know of the gospels truthfulness for yourself.

Please know as your mother I will always do my best to take care of my health so I can be here for all of you. I do it for each of you. I work hard for you Cambree, Lawson and Ben. Without y'all I would have nothing. I know that my strength comes from each of you and I am so grateful for the support you each give me. I Pray my children will always come to me if questions arise about life, friends, and my health. I'm always here and will always be honest with you. I pray that you all can feel the love that I have bursting from within me for you.

I look at my life, and I want for nothing! I am so blessed.

Measuring

I often wonder, what is so great about me? What do I do that's so special? I find it hard to take a compliment and have been known to criticize myself due to comparisons that I make to others. Through these comparisons I find myself not measuring up, although I'm the only one with the measuring stick (that I often beat myself with). Im no "super mom". My house is often a mess, I have no real crafts that I'm good at, and let's face it, the sewing gene slipped right through my fingers. I think about these things and I see and am in awe of the amazing things others can do and think to myself, if only... Then through an amazing talk given by an incredible man and with a heart yearning to find contentment I found just what I needed to hear.

This October during General Conference I heard a talk by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf that spoke to my very soul and brought tears of gratitude to my eyes. Gratitude for the feeling that this talk was meant specifically for me. As I read it again today, I felt that same gratitude. One part that struck me the most was this:

"God knows that some of the greatest souls who have ever lived are those who will never appear in the chronicles of history. They are the blessed, humble souls who emulate the Savior’s example and spend the days of their lives doing good."

To read the full talk go here http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/you-matter-to-him?lang=eng

I pray that I can be that example. I know that without God I am nothing, but with him I have everything.

Another Comparison

Cambree at 7 months

Lawson at 7 months.  Hes a bit chubbier.

Weighty matter

Okay, so this post is not to get people to tell me how how thin I am or anything of the like. It is solely for the purpose of venting.  Thats not to say you cant comment, I really enjoy comments.  Im just not throwing this out there to get compliments is all.

It seems, since I hit the ripe old age of 30(I love being in my 30s by the way). My body seemed to take on a mind of it's own. I used to be the skinny girl. Now I am in no way shape or form saying I am fat. I know I'm not fat. I'm just really struggling with my body image from what it once was, to my current situation. About 2 years ago I was exercising heavily. During that time I put on about 15 pounds. I think it was mainly muscle. Since then I have not been exercising like I should and that muscle has since turned to goo with a few pounds taxed on to it. Think of your current weight, whatever it is and add 15-20 lbs to that. You wouldn't be thrilled either would you?

However, there is an upside to this. Having Cystic Fibrosis it is extremely difficult for most of us to gain weight. I was always in this boat until recently. I remember after I had Cambree I was scary thin. I look at old pictures and I look gross. I was always told to eat as many calories as I could and often had to drink supplemental drinks (i.e. Boost, scandishake, Ensure)just to add calories. I often out ate everyone in the family. After dating Ben for about 3 months I ate the lumberjack breakfast at Dees by myself.  I don't think he knew whether to be impressed or to be scared. I remember the dietician in the hospital once told me they wanted me around 125-130 lbs. I thought she had lost her ever lovin mind. There was no way I would ever get there. I guess I was the crazy one. I still have the mentality of stuffing my face, something I'm working on. The plus side to this is that I'm at my "ideal" weight and honestly, I believe that is why I have been able to be out of the hospital as much as I have. It's for this reason, and this reason only that I am not going to try to lose weight. Although, every time I look down and see this gut hanging over my pants I have to remind myself of that. I am grateful to be healthy and I guess if it's at the cost of feeling not as great about myself it's still worth it.

Cambree's Room

 I finally got Cambrees room done exactly how I want it.  It only took me 4 years.  I think it turned out pretty cute.  Im sure in a few years she will want something a little more grown up, but for now its perfect.

She really wanted something done like I did Lawsons name in his room.  I thought maybe she was a little old for her name so I took down her letters for her name that has been up since she was a baby and put up DREAM.  She loves it.

If you look closely you can see pink swirls on the wall.  Those match the swirls on her bedding.  Thanks to my great friend Kellie, her vinyl machine, and innovation we were able to match it.  This is really what I havebeen trying to get done for 4 years and finally got around to it.

I love her little chair in the corner there.

The sign says, I hope you dance. 

If you look closely at the bedding you can see the swirls that break up the yellow and pink.

I love it and Cambree loves it, so really that is all that matters.  She is one spoiled girl.

Why I Never Ever Go Camping

Camping and myself go together about as well as oil and water. I never go. Most people close to me would say they have heard me use the word hate and camping simultaneously and often. When my husband told me the Johnsens were coming down and we were camping with them, shock is an understatement. Why oh why would my husband that knows me better than anyone agree to me going camping? I love the Johnsens, I love hanging out with the Johnsens, but I don't even camp with my family.

There are many reasons that I hate camping, I didn't even understand completely where this hate came from until I lay thinking in a tent Fri night and it all became crystal clear. First of all, we live at 6000 ft here in good ol' Fairview. In the mountains that number jumps significantly to about 9000ft give or take, at least where we were staying. That's a big difference and my lungs don't enjoy that change. I go from only needing 02 at night to needing it continuously. This is the major reason I don't like it, but again I didn't fully understand why. Then it hit me. It makes me feel weak. It makes me remember all that I went through after I had Cambree. It takes away all that I worked so hard to get to. I live my life pretty routinely and pretty happily. I m able to take care of my house, my family, myself. I love being able to do for myself. I love that I am healthy enough to make dinner, decorate my daughters room, and give the baby a bath. Granted some days, most days I can't do it all, but while camping, I feel like I can't do any of it. I have to depend on Ben to do most of the work and I hate that. I feel with each puff of air it's reminding me, "you have CF, you have CF". Then I hear, "you are weak, you aren't good enough". Believe me, I know it's silly. I know I have CF, I deal with it everyday, I deal with it, but I don't dwell on it. I feel like camping makes me dwell on it. As I lay there completely overwhelmed in my thoughts hating every puff that sounds and wondering if my baby and husband are okay due to Lawson screaming from a gassy stomach, I hear through her heavy eyelids, just as she was dozing off,  "I love you mama." Suddenly, everything was okay, it didnt matter that I was on 02 or that Ben had been overly stressed due to the screaming baby. My little girl loved me and I was doing something right.

This same beautiful girl had her testimony strengthened whie on this trip.  There was a heavy overcast with dark clouds.  I was sure it was going to rain.  Cambree is very scared of thunder and lightening and constantly asks if it will rain if there is one gray cloud in the sky.  I kept telling her I didnt know.  Then she says, "mom, I prayed three times that it wouldnt rain."  I was a little suprised and  a little worried to be honest.  It was getting really dark.  I told her that I didnt know if Heavenly Father could answer that prayer because the Earth needs rain.  (I know, oh ye, of little faith.)  Well guess what, my little girls prayer was answered.  There was a slight sprinkle and the clouds parted. I love her faith and her knowledge she has to pray.

Although I hate camping and I never ever do it, I went camping, I slept in a tent, I pottied in the woods, I did it all. I told my brain to shut it and I remembered that it was just for a couple of days. I loved every minute with the Johnsens and I can't thank them enough for getting me out of my comfort zone and reminding me I can do things even if I can't do much while camping. So next time, and there will be a next time I will camp down South where the air is a little thicker and my breathing is a bit easier.


This little man was sooo good.  Other than the first night of some gas and screaming, he was an angel. 

Just chillin with mama.  I love the hat.  He continually tries to pull it off.

                                                                 Look at that sweet face.

Jacob Johnsen making some yummy grub!

Me enjoying the grub, whilst attached to the biggest 02 tank available.

This is how Lawson slept and he did great!

My amazing husband who did EVERYTHING while on this camping trip.

Cambree loved playing with the Johsens dog Larry. 

I love this lady! She is so fun to hang with and just visit.  Thanks for letting us use your tent.  It was great!

Love Him!

Jacob and his stud Naters!

These two girls had the best time!

CF Control and Progression

A few days ago I read a blog who had read a challenge offered by Piper, over at A Matter of Life and Breath.  She wrote an amazing blog post  and extended a challenge to others to write about their thoughts on CF control and progression. So here goes...
As I have grown up always knowing full well that I had a disease called Cystic Fibrosis, I didnt understand exactly what that meant.  I knew it was something I could die from, I knew it was scary, and I knew that I was, as they say, "beating the odds".  I had ups and downs all through adolescence, I was always "sicker" than my older brother, but it wasnt until I was almost 16 that CF became a little more real to me.  It was then that I had to go into the hospital for the first time.  I was scared out of my mind.  I worried that this was the beginning of the end.  Oh how I was wrong, thank goodness!  About 30+ hospital stays later at 31 years old I realize that my young, immature 16 year old self had no idea what lie ahead of me in this journey of life with CF. 

I dont think I was ever in denial.  I always knew I had Cystic Fibrosis and that death comes from this disease.  I think that we can really only know what we have experienced or have witnessed other people experience.  At that age the only other CF person I knew was my older brother and as previously mentioned he was always healthier than me. Growing up treatments were hit and miss.  Compared to now there wasnt a whole lot to do.  Take enzymes with meals, inhale distilled water through a big tube, (my brother and I would pretend the mist was death and try to kill each other.  Awesome right?), and get our backs pounded on in hopes to loosen the yucky crud in our lungs.  It was probably middle school age that I really started taking a great intrerest in my own health and began to be pretty compliant.  I would miss treatments at night if I got home too late from a ball game or if I went and stayed at a friends house.  I remember when I was 14 years old, a freshman in high school, I had to wake up at 4:30 every morning so I could do my medicine get ready and go to cheerleading practice.  I was dedicated and determined. I went in the hospital about once a year, (after that first visit)on my terms, at least thats what I told myself.  I felt as though I was in charge of CF.  Oh how things change. 

My last year of College I had a few very scary incidences.  I began coughing up cup loads of blood.  I had to be hospitalized and they embolized my lung.  I was more scared than I have ever been.  Thankfully, we got it under control.  Soon after this experience I was married and began married life in a job that I loved but that was very stressful. I went in the hospital four times that year. My husband felt I should quit my job, but I was prideful. I was determined to show CF and everyone around me that I was in charge. It wasn't until I found out I was pregnant that I knew quitting my job was the only option if I had any chance of having a healthy baby. I was really worried about miscarriage due to the stress I was under.

After quitting my lung functions increased. My Drs were amazed especially because I was pregnant. At about 6 months that all started to change. If you have read any of my previous posts about my pregnancy you know what happened. Death has never felt closer. After surviving having my daughter I struggled in every aspect of CF, and life. I remember I had only been home a couple of weeks after spending a month in the hospital. I was so weak and frail that all I could do was feed my baby and do my medicine. That day in particular I had used all my strength to give Cambree a bath, she had maybe been out of the tub 30 min. when she vomited all over herself. I was devastated. Thankfully my mom came home at that time and told me to go shower and she would take care of the baby. I did just that. It was then that I was at my lowest point, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I remember thinking, "I don't know if I can do this anymore." I distinctly remember feeling that I had a choice. I could choose whether I lived or died. I also felt that in order to survive it was going to take a lot of hard work on my part. I chose to live! I don't think I have ever dedicated myself so much to something. I exercised 6 days a week and did 4 treatments a day. Even though I did this I went in the hospital 6 times that year. I continued to fight. It didn't seem that I had much control over anything. The only thing I did know was that if I stopped working I was giving up and death was imminent.

I don't know why I got to choose, I guess in reality by being compliant we are all choosing to fight. I have often struggled with why I was able to come back from where I was when so many aren't. I am so grateful that I was, but have often felt guilty for those of my friends that have not and have since passed on. It's hard watching others that we are close to struggle. It makes me appreciate that I am still able to do. It has been 7 years since that time. The progression of my CF has maintained pretty well. I only went in the hospital once this year. I do my medicine and take vitamins. Everybodys journey with CF is different. This is my journey/trial and I am trying to learn everything I can from it and do it with grace and patience.  I definitely lack in both areas often.  My brother who has the same mutaions as me has just recently had to start thinking about CF in a different way.  He has only been in the hospital a handful of times and is 33 years old.  That is his journey. Overall, my thoughts continue to change on the whole control of CF thing. I think that overall God is in control. I do think that we all have a purpose in this life and when we have fulfilled our mission/purpose it is our time to go. Along with that we have to take care of ourselves and do our part to be here and have the best quality of life we can.

These are my jumbled mess of thoughts.  If you wish to take the challenge, read below...
1. Write a blog explaining your personal thoughts and experiences in dealing with CF control and progression. This could include your views on whether CF is in fact a "controllable" disease, your personal definition of compliance, your thoughts on whether (or how) someone with CF should be judged in terms of "good enough" self-care (what makes you feel judged? do you think those fears are justified? is judgment ever useful in this context?), your own struggles with control vs. unpredictability, and how you keep motivated in the face of so many questions. Or, you know, whatever you want to write about really. It's your blog.
2. Comment below with a link to your blog so that all of us can read your response. YOU DO NOT NEED TO LINK TO MY BLOG IN YOUR ANSWER. If you'd like to do so, please feel free, but this is about starting a discussion, not publicity.
3. Encourage your own readers to get in on the conversation by posting the same instructions on your blog. Remember, the more responses, the better the conversation. Let's see if we can get this one going as much as with past challenges.
4. If you don't have a personal blog (or just don't feel like going through steps 1-3), feel free to still make yourself heard by simply leaving a comment with your thoughts below.
5. Non-CFers are 100% welcome to participate, either by pulling from their own experiences or simply by offering their perspective as people, friends, and loved one's.

Any similarities?

Lawson just out of the bath, 8 months old.

                                             

Cambree in the bath, I believe about 8 months old.

Lawson reminds me of Cambree in so many different ways.  He pulls faces and I swear I have gone back 7 years.  Its a little crazy.  He is definitely chunkier than his sister ever was.  At his 6 month appointment he weighed 16.5 lbs.  When Cambree was a year old she weighed 16 lbs.  I love my beautiful babies!

Dance Review and Summer Fun

This post is a bit late, but I couldnt leave out pictures of Cambree's dance review.  Every year right before school gets out every class in the Elementary school does a dance. This years theme was Western. Cambree's class danced to Fishin' in the Dark.  It was really cute and Cambree did a great job. 

Getting ready for the big routine

They had fishing poles and a handkerchief in their pocket. 

All of the cousins that were in the dance review.

The whole fam.

Our sweet Lawson boy, he loves his tongue.  He is 6 months old here.

Here he is again at 7.5 months old.  I love this picture!  He is so funny and already showing so much personality. 

Cheeser!

Cambree played coach pitch this year and did a great job thanks to her Auntie Shanny and Ben.

4th of July, just waiting for the parade.

Such a sweet face.

And another "sweet" face.  She is a goof just like her dad.

Poor guy, he hated the sirens and gun shots.

Hangin with mama.

We took a trip with the Cox crew to Bear Lake and had a great time.

Cambree and her tongue, apparantly both kids love their tongues.

This is what Lawson did for 2 days.  He was an angel and didnt fuss a bit sitting on the beach 2 days in a row.

The only time he got in the water, he doesnt enjoy it much.

All the kids being crazy!

My little snuggle bum!