Would I do it again?

During this hospital stay, I have had a lot of time to reflect and hopefully, gain a greater insight to what the future holds. I have at times been criticized for putting my health at risk to have my beautiful daughter. Anyone that has met my daughter soon stops the criticism. It is mostly those that do not share my beliefs. I know that she is the greatest blessing from God that I have received and although it was difficult to get her here, she literally saved my life. A couple years ago I read an article in the Ensign that I really connected with. It explains my feelings very well. It comes from the Feb. 2006 Ensign from President James E. Faust. It reads:

"A teacher, conducting a class, said it was unwise ever to attempt, even to permit them [the Martin handcart company] to come across the plains under such conditions.”
Then President McKay quoted an observer who was present in that class: “Some sharp criticism of the Church and its leaders was being indulged in for permitting any company of converts to venture across the plains with no more supplies or protection than a handcart caravan afforded.
“An old man in the corner … sat silent and listened as long as he could stand it, then he arose and said things that no person who heard him will ever forget. His face was white with emotion, yet he spoke calmly, deliberately, but with great earnestness and sincerity.
“In substance [he] said, ‘I ask you to stop this criticism. You are discussing a matter you know nothing about. Cold historic facts mean nothing here, for they give no proper interpretation of the questions involved. Mistake to send the Handcart Company out so late in the season? Yes. But I was in that company and my wife was in it and Sister Nellie Unthank whom you have cited was there, too. We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? …
“ ‘I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.’ ”
He continues: “ ‘I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.
“ ‘Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.’ ” 1

This is how I feel to all those who question what I have done to bring my daughter here. I would do it all again if I knew that was the Lords will. I know that He lets us know what and when things need to happen and I only pray that I can be in tune enough to here the call. I would like to change this part of the quote "Was I sorry that I chose to have Cambree? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to "bring Cambree into the world."


I guess I have been thinking about this more and more because Cambree is nearing her 4th birthday. I look at her and wonder where has the time gone? She is such an amazingly beautiful, spirited little girl and I am so blessed to call her mine. She makes the sun shine.

My cup runneth over

I absolutley love the movie Hope Floats and love when the grandma says "my cup runneth over" I often feel this way about my life. I have been incredibly blessed with such an amazing husband, and beautiful daughter. It is hard to put into words the love that I have for them. I am sure that all of you feel this way about your spouses and children. Last night as they left from a weekend at the hospital I was so overjoyed with the weekend we had had together. I was sad to have them go but I felt so full of love for them and from them. It definitely isnt easy being in the hospital, Ben does so much while I am gone. He is mom and dad and he does it perfectly. When hospital workers see him lying on the floor next to my bed they all just think he is so awesome. A few have said, "you know most guys wouldnt do that." Yes believe me I know. And then Cambree having her bed in the shower. I know it sounds awful but it works for us. This way the nurses wont bother her when they come in to change my meds. We have just grown accustom to our life in the hospital however often it may be. I know that it effects everyone more than they let on. Cambree is such a happy girl, but when she comes and hugs me for 10 min. after not seeing me all week I know that this is effecting her more than previously thought and it breaks my heart. I always wonder when she is going to realize that other moms don't do this. She is amazing though and is very resiliant. I know I am pretty much rambling but I just wanted to share some of the great things I have been feeling this weekend. I wish I had a camera so I could take a pic of before Ben shows up for the weekend and after. While I am here I get pretty cluttered and the first thing he does is just clean it all up before he even sits down. Then right before he leaves he does the same thing. It is just those little things along with the great things that mean so much to me and show the great love that he has for me. We had such great pillow talk this past weekend. It was awesome. Ben and I as most of you know are talkers, we talk all of the time, but it is those deep conversations that really bring people closer together. I just really enjoyed that time we shared and can't wait to go home.

An interesting turn of events

I know it has been quite some time since I have posted. Our lives have been crazy the past couple of weeks. First off for those of you that arent familiar with Bens family situation, his mom had him when she was 17 and he has never known his father. He knew his name but that was all. He had been into drugs and became schizophrenic and his mom thought it best that he wasnt in their lives. The morning of Jan. 25 I received a phone call from his aunt letting me know that his Grandma had just read his fathers obituary in the paper http://www.legacy.com/saltlaketribune/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=101840408 I called Ben and let him know and we read the obituary. We were surprised that Ben was named in it. He had apparantly died on the 18th and they were just having the funeral on the 26th. I thought for sure that Ben wouldnt even consider going. I asked him and he said he was thinking about it. I thought that he should to get closure and to even just learn a little more aobut a man that he never knew. Amazingly from the obituary so many of his attributes could be linked to Ben as well. I think this had an affect on him. He wasnt sure why he was feeling a sense of loss when there was never any relationship to begin with. I encouraged Ben to go, but knew that it had to be his decision. He prayed about it and felt that he should go. I was very nervous as we were driving to Salt Lake. His grandma came with us and Ben felt fine until we pulled into the church. He then started to feel a little nervous. He really didnt want anyone to notice him or ask who he was. He just wanted to go listen and leave with no contact or introductions. He had never met any of these people. When we got there we looked at the program and they had Ben listed as a pallbearer. He said that he didnt feel comfortable doing that. We sat through the funeral which was very nice and we found out that Kevin (Bens dad) had 2 brothers and 2 sisters. At the end of the funeral the bishop stood up and announced the pallbearer. He said, "Ben, Kevins biological son who couldnt be here today. Ben was relieved. We thought we would get out unnoticed. We headed out and down the sidewalk. Everyone was grouped together and it was very hard to get through. Ben was keeping his distance from his grandma because he thought that Kevins mom would recognize her and connect the two. In the meantime I am praying silently that if we are supposed to meet these people that someone will recognize him. Remember they have never seen Ben before. 30 seconds later the oldest sister comes running up to him, "Are you? Are you him?" She then had tears streaming down her face. Ben shook his head and she gave him the biggest hug. I of course got choked up. The next few minutes are almost a blur. Ben describes it as feeling like Britney Spears with the paparazzi. There was constant yelling from various people, "This is Benjamin! Here's Benjamin! Benjamin's here! Its Kevins son!" We then found out that they had been searching for him for a very long time. One of the cousins was searching through old Cottonwood High School year books thinking that was where he graduated from. They had googled his name in many different ways not knowing what his last name was, thinking it was Pehrson but of course spelling it wrong. We then went to the graveside where they asked Ben to dedicate the grave. Which was a bit overwhelming for Ben. He graciously declined. After the dedication of the grave we went back and had lunch with them all. They were the nicest people and radiated the love that they have for Ben. You could tell that they loved him and that they have loved him all his life without even knowing him. It was such a surreal experience and I am so glad that we were able to go and that the Lord lead us there. We have spoken with the cousins a couple times and hope to continue to get to know them better. So all in all it was an amazing experience. Then this week after feeling great for the past month I began to get very sick Saturday night and ended up in the hospital on Tuesday. I am hoping it is only a two week visit but we will see what happens. Sorry this post is so long, but just thought I would share our amazing experience. Hope all is well with all of you!