Sometimes I have wondered, what if I was never born with Cystic Fibrosis? How different would my life be? How different would I be? Would I be as dedicated to life or living as I am? Would I be as caring and compassionate as I am? Would I have the same empathy for others? Would I have the same relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior? Would I be as responsible or as kind? Would I be as happy as I am? Now believe me these are all things I need to work on still, but in all honesty, I believe that it is through my trials with CF that I have become this person and I wouldnt want it any other way.
Are there days I wish I didnt have to do my daily treatments? Or times I wish I could breath easier or have more energy? Absolutely! But it is through these times that I have found just what I am made of. I look around me and I literally want for nothing. I have everything I have ever needed and then some. I am truly blessed.
This past hospital stay didnt pan out exactly as I had hoped. My lung tests were a little lower than I had expected and for some reason this upset me more than I like to admit. I always tell myself to not go by the numbers but how I feel. This is easier said than done. I actually feel pretty good, which I am so grateful for. But after this particular test I took the day I got out of the hospital, feeling pretty good did not outweigh the fact that my lungs at that moment were not as "well" as they were a year ago on that exact same day. It overwhelmed me with many things but essentially tears was how it was expressed. I cried. I dont like to admit that I cry. Of course we all cry and we all need to, but I feel like I have built this personna with my friends and family that I am tough. That I can handle anything and I dont let it get to me. I think I have, but who knows, maybe thats all in my head :) Anyway, I cried, I cried hard, I cried for a long time in fact. This is the nature of CF, to lose more lung function and it scared me.
I'll admit, this isnt the first time Ive cried about CF, and pretty sure it wont be the last. But,it is in those very intimate, at times vey scary moments where I have found my Savior. I have felt His love surround me and even at times felt His arms embrace me and give me the courage to face the scary, the unknown. He has helped give me the faith to know that with Him anything is possible. I cried, and then, I remembered what I know and all that I have and I dried my eyes. I am facing the world with a renewed sense of self and I am determined to continue in my journey with CF, the good, the bad, the ugly...and sometimes smelly. Thank you CF for helping me be who I am. (I kind of like myself) Thank you for giving me the determination to fight you with every ounce of my spirit. Its on!
Friday, March 18, 2011
What If?
Posted by Emilee at 12:35 PM
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13 comments:
Amazing...love you Em.
Amen! I feel like I could have written a lot of this myself! (Although, in the interest of full disclosure, today is a day I would DEFINITELY rather not be doing treatments all day... way to suck up all my time!) And as my husband could attest, I cry a LOT!
A friend of mine recently put the following quote on facebook:
"Being well acquainted with death holds the potential for one to be bursting with life."
I wish I could give credit to the author, but I'm not sure who said it. What I do know, however, is that it really struck a chord with me. I think it's very true that the trials we face because of CF make us better people (not necessarily better than anyone else, simply a better version of ourselves).
This is a little out there, and I know a lot of people would disagree with me, but I feel that I chose CF. I strongly believe that in the pre-existence I had an idea of who I wanted to be here on earth and I knew that having CF would help me become that person.
Things get hard to handle, yes. I've cursed this stupid disease time and time again. There are days I wish I didn't have CF and I dream about the ways my life would be easier without it. But there are also times that I know without a doubt that there is purpose to His plan, CF included, and those feelings are usually strong enough to carry me through.
Usually. ;)
Thanks for sharing. You are just getting better and better in the way you are supposed to. What a wonderful example.
Em,
I needed to read your blog today. You know I am going thru some things right now and you always help me to feel a little bit better. And to help my faith grow just by reading your words. I feel the same way as you. I feel I am a much stronger person because of my trials and they have made me who I am. I cry too but who doesn't. And its ok...we can cry together:) things always work out in the end and I know the Lord will only give me what I can handle. Sometimes I wish He didn't trust me so much. I try not to ever say Why me? I love ya Em and thanks for your kind words and for being you.
Candice
I love you!!! That's all I have to say!!
I love you Emilee!
I agree with so much that you have posted. I tend to be a crier when I get sick, but I am getting much better at not "melting down" in the doctor's office. Thank goodness.
That being said, I believe tears are truly a gift from God. Like a flashflood can move through and clear even large things in it's way, a flood of tears can clear our souls of heavy burdens--making it easier to move forward.
I just found your blog recently and look forward to getting to know you better. Thanks for sharing.
Well I recently to was having a rough day and yes there could of been tears... shhhh! Don't tell anyone. ;)
But I think its ok we are tough and we are always tough for others we are only human and I think we deserve a good cry once a year or so ;)
You and Ben make an amazing team. You know Ben had a special talent to get me to do things..I'm sure he has the same motivating skill with you. Keep on the fight!
Love You Em! Thanks for sharing.
I came across your blog when a friend of mine, whom you went to high school with, Becca (Hansen) Makarova told me about you. My oldest son, who is now 3, was diagnosed with CF when he was 8 weeks old and I have spent many sleepless nights wondering what kind of impact this will have on his life in general, especially in adulthood. I have cried frequently while hooking him up for his daily treatments and taking him in to be prodded by his many specialists. Your blog post has lifted my spirits and helped to give me confidence that he too will touch many lives and bring much strength to our family. Thanks for your words, your faith, and your willingness to share both your struggles and triumphs. -Carmen
You have blessed my life in knowing you Em and I will forever be grateful for that. Thank you!
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