What I've Learned

Ive learned: -What it feels like to want something so badly and pray that somehow it will all come to be. -Heartache in feeling like I had another baby waiting for me, trying everything to get myself ready to be able to have it. -Devastation in realizing that my body would not be physically capable of carrying a child. -Humbleness in knowing that someone loves me enough and trusts our Heavenly Father enough to have a baby for me. -Each child is so important to our Heavenly Father that he will do whatever it takes to bring them to this earth. -Heavenly Father is so aware of each of us and our personal needs. If we listen intently and try to do what is asked of us, He will prepare a way for His will to be done. -Heavenly Father does not ask something of us that we cannot achieve. -Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways, but He works. -The Lord can give us peace in moments of chaos and uncertainty to let us know that all is well. -The Lord speaks to each one of us through the whisperings of the spirit. We just have to figure out how he speaks to us. It is different for everyone. -That through those whisperings I have been lead through this journey for years. -The scriptures will answer questions that we are having when we least expect it. -The Lord will involve others in my answers without any of them knowing that they were doing just that. I am so grateful that so many are worthy to have the spirit lead them. -We never know when we will be an answer to someones prayer. -I will never be worthy enough for all that I have been blessed with which makes the love that our Heavenly Father has for me and each one of us that much greater. -As long as we are doing our best and trying to submit to His will He will bless us beyond anything we can imagine. -that a babies heart is visible through an ultrasound at 4 weeks after being transferred. I am in awe at the beauty of that pumping on a screen. -what it feels like to be happy beyond belief, loved without any reservations, and humbled to the point of tears. -that even though we have been told something from our Heavenly Father it doesn't mean that it will happen when or how we think it will. I was told in Feb. of 08' that I was going to have another baby and here we are in May 10' with one on the way through my sis in law. -that as long as we let Heavenly Father be in charge and continue in Faith that all good things will come to pass. I'm not saying that we will always get what we want, but we will always get what we need. I've also learned that people surprise me. I have been blown away by the love and kindness shown us through this experience and could not have expected it to go as well as it has. My testimony has strengthened so much over the past two years and I am so grateful for these experiences that I have had and will be able to share with my children in hopes that it will help them to know and love the Lord as Ben and I do. I will never be able to give enough gratitude to my beautiful sister in law Abby or to my Heavenly Father, but I will live my life trying.

We are having a Baby!

Dearest Family and Friends, We want to begin by thanking each of you for the constant love and support that you provide our families on a regular basis. We are writing this letter to share with each of you the details of a beautiful and often trying journey that we have undertaken over the past year. Sometimes it is difficult to share our most intimate and spiritual experiences, but we also realize--especially living in a small town--that if we do not tell our own story, then someone else will. So we want to take this opportunity to share our story with you. Please excuse the length of this letter, but as you will see, we believe the details are an critical part of a deeper understanding. Our only hope is that you will receive it with the love and friendship with which it is shared. Background This story actually begins 30 years ago when a baby girl, Emilee Cox, was diagnosed with a hereditary and terminal illness known as Cystic Fibrosis. At the time of her birth, the average life expectancy for children with this genetic disorder was only in the teens. However, thanks to the progress of modern medicine, Cystic Fibrosis patients are now routinely living into their 30’s and 40’s. This has made it possible for many to marry and live very fulfilling lives. Unfortunately, though, it is difficult for many patients to conceive and raise children. While Emilee has seen many miracles in her life, perhaps the greatest miracle occurred six years ago when she and Ben were able to conceive and deliver their little girl, Cambree Malli Pehrson. The pregnancy and delivery, however, were not without peril and complications. In fact, during the delivery Emilee nearly lost her life. If not for the heroic efforts of amazing medical professionals, and of course, the power of prayer and Priesthood, neither Emilee nor Cambree would be here today. Cambree weighed only four pounds at birth and had to spend two weeks in the NICU. Despite this difficult beginning, Cambree is now a happy and very healthy child just finishing her first year of school. Over the intervening years Emilee’s health has improved slightly and she has seen a modest reprieve from the normal decline of lung function usually seen with the disease. However, her doctors have made it absolutely clear that attempting to have another child would be an unavoidable death sentence. There is just no way that her body could handle the trauma of pregnancy. As such, you can imagine Ben and Emilee’s confusion almost two years ago when they began to receive spiritual promptings that they were to have another child. At that time, Emilee’s brother Spencer was serving as her Bishop. On several occasions Emilee met with him to discuss her feelings and to seek guidance and council. Emilee began a rigorous workout routine to try and increase her lung function and stamina with the hopes of becoming healthy enough to survive a pregnancy--but to no avail. Ben and Emilee started researching adoption but soon realized that most parents do not want to give up their child to a mother with a terminal illness. More importantly, however, none of those possibilities felt right. As most of you know, although Spencer and Emilee are brother and sister, they were not raised together following their parents divorce when Emilee was 5 and Spencer was 10. While they have always been friends, they have never had a “close” relationship. However, at about the time Ben and Emilee were struggling with these family questions, that relationship began to grow and change. The two families started spending more and more time together. What started out as family night every few weeks grew into family dinner two or three times a week. Vacations together followed. Soon Cambree became just another sibling to Spencer and Abby’s four children. At the time, neither family realized that this improved relationship would soon lead to a life-changing decision. Meanwhile, sometime during the fall of 2009 both Spencer and Abby began having some confusing spiritual impressions of their own. Although they both had felt for some time that their family was complete, Abby in particular began to feel that she would be pregnant again. Although both of them dismissed the feelings at first, the impressions did not go away. Decisions Over the past two years Emilee had shared her feelings that the Lord wanted her to have another child with several close friends and family. Knowing the likely consequence of such a decision, however, almost everyone discouraged her from such a decision. In early September of 2009, she had an experience that would change her perspective. Three years earlier, Emilee had been contacted by the mother of a 14-year-old girl with CF. Emilee and the mother had spoken regularly about the progress and health of the daughter. Then, Emilee received the news that the girl had died due to complications from CF. This news shook Emilee to her very core and, for the first time since Cambree’s birth, she knew without a doubt that she would not be able to carry another child and survive. This revelation was disturbing and confusing, as she felt a direct conflict with the inspiration she had received earlier. She prayed fervently to the Lord and asked Him for guidance and to provide a way for His will to be accomplished. Just days later, on September 9, 2009, something happened that would give clarity and inspiration to both couples and mark the beginning of a wonderful, and difficult, process. As Spencer began his daily reading of the Salt Lake Tribune, he saw a front-page article titled “An awesome act of love: Surrogacy catching on in Utah.” Just skimming the article he saw the words “Cystic Fibrosis,” and decided to look at it more closely. It turns out the article centered on a couple from Salt Lake City who were unable to have children because the wife (Julie), who is almost the same age as Emilee, suffered from Cystic Fibrosis (ironically, Julie also happens to be the niece of Spencer’s former assistant, Ellen Lee). After looking at many different options, Julie’s sister-in-law had volunteered to be a “surrogate,” or more appropriately a “gestational carrier,” for Julie and her husband. This article used this couple’s experience as a backdrop to explore a 2007 law passed by the State of Utah regulating surrogacy and gestational carrier relationships. (You can read the entire article here: http://www.sltrib.com/ci_13294811?IADID) Spencer forwarded the article to Abby and Emilee and the wheels slowly began to turn. A few days later Abby asked Spencer if he thought she might be crazy for considering the possibility of becoming a gestational carrier for Emilee and Ben. Not surprisingly, he had been thinking the same thing but just felt that he could never ask his wife to do something so difficult and drastic. Soon after that, Abby and Emilee were walking and began talking about the article. Abby said, “I could do that for you.” Emilee was taken aback by the offer and did not quite know how to respond. Unsure if Abby was really serious, she made a joke and changed the subject. However, she knew that Abby was not the type of person to say something like that flippantly. That same week other friends and family had read the article and made similar comments. For the first time Emilee began to seriously consider that this might be the answer she was looking for. Although friends and family members throughout the years had mentioned that they would be willing to help in this manner, her response was always, “I could never ask anyone to do that for me.” But this time--when Abby said it--something was different. Emilee approached Ben and told him of the experience and they began to seriously consider the possibility. Not surprisingly, this was a very difficult and confusing decision for everyone involved, but especially for Abby. Spencer began researching the legal process, Ben and Emilee began researching the physical and financial process, and Abby focused on the emotional questions and consequences. On several occasions Emilee was able to speak with Julie regarding her own experience. More importantly however, the couples began earnestly seeking spiritual guidance through prayer, fasting, and regular temple attendance. Steadily and assuredly the answers began to come. Eventually each person was able to receive his or her own personal, and distinct, affirmation from the Lord. Perhaps the most important confirmation came to Abby. In early November, Abby was able to travel to St. George with Spencer for some county commission meetings. While there, she had the opportunity to attend the Temple specifically seeking an answer. If she was going to do something generally discouraged by the Church, and something that would be a tremendous burden to her family--not to mention the potential impact on her own health and well being, she needed to know without a doubt that this was something God wanted her to do. Although her experience and answer were intensely private, she emerged with an absolute clarity and conviction that that she was following Heavenly Father’s plan for her. Her answer was so powerful that she knew she had no choice but to obey. Armed with that knowledge and faith, the couples decided to move forward. The Church Process With Spencer no longer serving as Bishop, the first step for the couples was to meet with their new Bishop. A little explanation would probably be helpful here. In the LDS Church’s Handbook of Instructions, it specifically states that “surrogacy is strongly discouraged.” Not surprisingly, this language was the cause for serious reflection by the couples. Julie assured Emilee that her Bishop and Stake President were very supportive of their decision. Furthermore, Spencer was able to speak with a Utah Legislator that sponsored the 2007 Utah law and was assured that the Church was very supportive of the law and even instrumental in lobbying for certain parts of the bill. This might come as a surprise to some, and even appear contradictory to others. Is it possible for the Lord to inspire someone to specifically do something that He generally “strongly discourages”? Obviously there are many reasons for discouraging surrogacy--especially when the entire experience could do more harm to families than good (women selling their bodies, surrogates unwilling to give up the child, etc.). However, it is important to note that, unlike many practices, the Church does not prohibit surrogacy. This means that the procedure must be appropriate in certain circumstances. Furthermore, many believe that God has allowed these advances in reproductive techniques to bring more of his children to earth. As such, any apparent contradictions can be resolved when the phrase “strongly discouraged” is read to mean that members are strongly encouraged to only undertake this procedure after sincere prayer, fasting, and temple attendance, and ultimately, when directed by personal revelation and . If there was ever an exception to the “strongly discouraged” language, the couples felt sure that this was it. The discussion with the Bishop could not have gone better. After overcoming his initial surprise, he was very supportive and told them that he would get back with them soon. He then went to the Stake President and shared the story. The Stake President contacted Church headquarters and was simply told to make sure the couples followed the state law. With that, it was time to begin the legal phase. The Legal Process Around the first of December, the couples met with a doctor from the Reproductive Care Center in Sandy, Utah. There they were informed that there was little that could be done in the process until the couples had a court order allowing them to move forward. In order to save time and money, the couple had planned to use Spencer’s legal background to do all of the legal work. There was one small problem, however. Under the Utah law, the court would need to approve a “Gestational Carrier Agreement,” even if no money was involved. The agreement had to be signed by both the natural Father and Mother (Ben and Emilee), as well as the Gestational Carrier (Abby) and her husband (Spencer). Because Spencer would have to be a party to the agreement, the court would not look favorably on him representing all of the parties. With that, Spencer asked a good friend from his old law firm for advice. That meeting turned out to be just another in a long line of miracles, as his friend told offered to do all of the legal work for free. Ok, that is only partly true--he actually agreed to do the work in exchange for demolition derby tickets to Fairview’s 24th of July celebration--still and amazing deal. Included in the Utah law is the requirement that both couples undergo lengthy counseling with a professional psychiatrist. In early February the two couples met separately with a counselor from the University of Utah. Other than finding out that they were otherwise pretty screwed up, the counselor signed off on the process. On February 22, 2010, the couples met in chambers with a Judge from Salt Lake City and she signed the order completing the process. According to the order, any child born to Abby under the agreement immediately becomes the birth child of Ben and Emilee and only their names appear on the birth certificate. The legal process was now complete. The Medical Process With everything in place, the medical process began in earnest. The gestational carrier procedure simply uses the same process as in vitro fertilization, only with two women each doing half of the procedure. First, however, Ben and Emilee needed to find a way to pay for the very expensive medical procedure. Once again, another miracle. Illogically and unbelievably, despite the severe economic downturn, somehow their house appraised exactly where they needed it to in order to secure a loan. Because of the risk to Emilee’s health, the doctor decided to try a “low stimulation” egg retrieval. While this procedure produces far fewer eggs to choose from, the risk of complications is also reduced. Five eggs were harvested and Ben was able to complete his part of the deal, and all five were successfully fertilized. At day 3 two of the embryos looked good, two others were fair and poor and the fifth was defective. However, by day five the two good embryos were very poor and unusable, while the other two were fair and poor, but usable. This brought another trying decision. The possibility of twins would mean an extreme hardship, both for Abby as the carrier, and Emilee as her health would make it almost impossible to care for two babies. Those considerations notwithstanding, and because of the poor quality of the embryos, the decision was made to implant both embryos. And so, on April 24th, the embryos were implanted and the waiting began. After two weeks that seemed like an eternity, last Saturday Abby took a blood test that confirmed a positive pregnancy! However, the real test will happen next week when the doctor perform an ultrasound to make sure things are progressing normally--and whether there are one or two babies. What is Next? Again, please forgive the extreme length of this narrative. We felt it was important to provide a high level of detail for several reasons. First and foremost, we wanted to share this incredible and unlikely story with our friends and family whom we love and adore, and upon whom we rely for constant support. We also wanted to try and answer the myriad of questions and concerns you might have while attempting to prevent the dissemination of misinformation where possible. Now, we recognize that, especially in conservative small towns, there will likely be a few who will find fault with our decision. Our only hope, however, is that you will trust and understand that these issues were never taken lightly. We constantly struggle with the family, spiritual, emotional, and social implications of what is happening. There is no guidance or handbook on how to deal with and manage this process. We know that this decision will have far reaching effects, hopefully positive, on our children and families--perhaps for generations. We also understand that nothing is guaranteed, that the Lord works in wondrous and mysterious ways, and that this could all end tomorrow. We are often scared, frequently overwhelmed, and always humbled by this sacred charge. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your prayers. And thank you, most of all, for your understanding. Sincerely and with love, Abby, Emilee, Ben and Spencer