What If?

Sometimes  I have wondered, what if I was never born with Cystic Fibrosis?  How different would my life be?  How different would I be? Would I be as dedicated to life or living as I am?  Would I be as caring and compassionate as I am?  Would I have the same empathy for others?  Would I have the same relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior? Would I be as responsible or as kind?  Would I be as happy as I am?  Now believe me these are all things I need to work on still, but in all honesty, I believe that it is through my trials with CF that I have become this person and I wouldnt want it any other way.

Are there days I wish I didnt have to do my daily treatments?  Or times I wish I could breath easier or have more energy?  Absolutely!  But it is through these times that I have found just what I am made of.  I look around me and I literally want for nothing.  I have everything I have ever needed and then some.  I am truly blessed.

This past hospital stay didnt pan out exactly as I had hoped.  My lung tests were a little lower than I had expected and for some reason this upset me more than I like to admit.  I always tell myself to not go by the numbers but how I feel. This is easier said than done. I actually feel pretty good, which I am so grateful for.  But after this particular test I took the day I got out of the hospital, feeling pretty good did not outweigh the fact that my lungs at that moment were not as "well" as they were a year ago on that exact same day.  It overwhelmed me with many things but essentially tears was how it was expressed.  I cried.  I dont like to admit that I cry.  Of course we all cry and we all need to, but I feel like I have built this personna with my friends and family that I am tough.  That I can handle anything and I dont let it get to me.  I think I have, but who knows, maybe thats all in my head :)  Anyway, I cried, I cried hard, I cried for a long time in fact.  This is the nature of CF, to lose more lung function and it scared me.

I'll admit, this isnt the first time Ive cried about CF, and pretty sure it wont be the last.  But,it is in those very intimate, at times vey scary moments where I have found my Savior.  I have felt His love surround me and even at times felt His arms embrace me and give me the courage to face the scary, the unknown.  He has helped give me the faith to know that with Him anything is possible.  I cried, and then, I remembered what I know and all that I have and I dried my eyes.  I am facing the world with a renewed sense of self and I am determined to continue in my journey with CF, the good, the bad, the ugly...and sometimes smelly.  Thank you CF for helping me be who I am.  (I kind of like myself) Thank you for giving me the determination to fight you with every ounce of my spirit.  Its on!

What A Difference A Year Makes

As crazy as it seems, it was exactly one year ago today that I was admitted to the hospital. First of all, the last time I have gone a year without a hospital stay was over a decade ago. This is marking some new territory and I hope it stays that way. Secondly, it was also exactly a year ago that we went to court for all our surrogacy legalities.

There is actually quite a story involved and yet another miracle for court working out exactly as it did, but that my have to be told at a later date. What I actually want to write about is what happened during court. I remember it very vividly, it is one of those moments that changes you, makes you better, and leaves you in awe of the tender mercies and love that the Lord has for you.

Our appearance in front of the judge was actually in the judges chambers. I remember sitting in a chair and everything seeming so surreal, this was it, this was the start of our child coming to be. I remember looking at both Spencer and Abby and thinking, wow, we are really doing this. They are really going on this journey with us. What happened next was something I never would have expected. Quoting from my journal:

"Our lawyer was stating the medical necessity for surrogacy (in UT it is required to have a medical need.) and was discussing my health and the fact that I would most likely not survive another pregnancy and that I almost didn't survive the first one. (This coming from a letter my Dr. wrote. It's really kind of surreal listening to someone tell your story from their perspective. As he spoke I felt a flood of memories from the past 6 years come pouring in washing over me. I felt all the heartache and hard work in getting healthier and struggling with the decision to have another baby, constantly wondering if I would survive or bounce back like I did before. Suddenly everything I had been through was validated and now was the time to move on from all of those emotions and know that this was the Lords plan all along. This is where he had led me, led us and none of it was done in vain. I felt a release from those past struggles and an overwhelming peace and joy for the future. It took everything I had to hold back the tears that were bursting inside of me. It was finally happening, the baby I had been waiting for, that had been waiting for me was closer than ever. I knew this was His plan and none of us could deny it."

Now exactly one year later I am overcome with emotion at the sweetness that is my life. I am filled with gratitude and joy beyond belief and I know there are still many amazing experiences left to fulfill. My God is a good God! He is full of love, joy, and mercy and I look forward to the continued journey He is leading me and my sweet family on.

Lawson Blessing

On February 6th 2011 we had the amazing opportunity of having our little guy blessed in church. Ben did such an amazing job and I am so grateful to be married to a man that honors his priesthood and is worthy to bless our children. It was a beautiful blessing and our son has great things in store for him. I pray that Ben and I can help to mold him and lead him where he needs to be in his life.

The Happy Parents

Four Generations, I love these women

Ben with all of his grandparents.  This is a fabulous picture we didnt even know his Kizerian grandparents when Cambree was born.

Kathi and Bull have practically adopted us.  We are so grateful to have them in our lives.

My mom and dad Ericksen,  Cambree was not feeling well, but she was a champion

Me with my namesake Sophia Emilee Beaird.  I love this girl, she makes me smile.

Dad and Mom Cox

I love this picture.  Abby made it all possible.

We have all had quite a year together.

Ben with his Kizerian couins, it was fun having them here.

After the blessing we watched the big game, that stunk.  We were all in our Steelers gear so Aunt Whit bought Lawson a little of his own. Too bad they couldnt pull it together.

All in all it was a fantastic day!  We have so much love and support from so many family and friends.  We are so blessed!

He's 30!

Well He's finally 30!  I just wanted to make a post especially for Ben on his birthday.  Its funny to me that Ben is 30 and we have known and been together since he was 16 years old.  That is nearly half our lives.  So crazy!  We have certainly been through a lot of stuff together and I like to think we have come out stronger than before.  Yes,Im going to be sappy!

Ben met me when I was very cynical about love and relationships.  He taught me what it means to love and be loved in return.  He has stuck by me through some very scary times when I think most would have bolted for the door.  I still remember when we were dating and we were very serious talking about marriage, I asked him if he really knew what he was getting into with me and dealing with my illness.  He said he did (although, know one can really be prepared for all that this brings).  I told him I wouldnt blame him if he turned and ran beforeit got too serious and he told me that he loved me with or without CF and probably more with because it helped make me who I am.  He has always promised to stand by me through everything and he has gone above and beyond the call of husbandly duties i.e. grown-up diapers.  Another story entirely.

There are times when I think I couldnt possibly love this man anymore and then amazingly I do.  Im so proud of him and the person that he is.  He has taught me so much about dealing with adversity and rising above it.  All th while having an incredible attitude.  He continues to try to teach me to not fret over the stuff i have no control over.  Im learning...kind of.  He never ceases to amaze me with his ability to handle tough situations and people from all walks of life.  He is the most amazing father and our kids are so lucky to have him. 

I am so proud to be his wife.  There is no one that can tick me off more than him and in the next instant have me in full on belly laughs.  Thanks for all you do Ben.  Thanks for your willingness to share your life with me!  Thank you for being the most brave, and funny person I know,  There is never a dull moment.

I love you baby!  Happy 30th Birthday!

A much younger version of Ben on his mission

Thanks for always amusing me and going to Disneyland way more than you ever wanted.

Thank you for adoring me.  I never wonder how you feel.

Thank you for being the most incredible father.

Thank you for filling our lives with joy!

Thank you for your humor!

Thank you for your love

Pictures

We got the kids' pictures done when Lawson was just over 5 weeks old. I think they turned out fantastic! I LOVE THEM!!! Jammie Hansen did them and she did such a good job. She captured everything I hoped she would. There were so many too choose from and I know I ordered way too many, but here are a few of my favorites.

Christmas and Randomness

We had the most amazing Christmas and were so blessed to have our little boy home with us. There is just something about having a newborn in your home during the Christmas season that truly brings the spirit of the season into your home.

My chubbers at 8 1/2 weeks

Will someone please tell me when she got so big?

So sweet

Mom singing on our new Karaoke machine.

Cambree and mom making moms birthday cake with Easy Bake, yeah it didnt turn out so good.

In the big bath

We had a great Christmas

Ben loves Looney Tunes, it is now one of Cambrees favorites.

She was so excited with everything she got. The Zhu Zhu pets were her favorite.

Cambree being white washed by her daddy. Believe me she kept asking him to do it. So strange.

So sweet, she loves her brother.

Hanging with mom while the power was out.

Trying to stay warm while the power was out.

Finally awake, this doesnt happen much yet.

Oh Daddy!

Lawson loves to eat his hands, I think it is so cute.

My little man.

I know I need to update with pics and Christmas and all that jazz but I have wanted to share a few things that happened while trying to get Lawson here. I wasn't able to share any of the leading up to process and want to share some amazing experiences that occurred during that time. What many people may not understand is that I have been trying to figure out how to get my son here for years. Ever since Cambree was born I had been questioning if Ben and I were supposed to have another baby and for years I felt that I was told that He would let me know when the time was right. Finally, in Feb. of 2008 I received personal revelation that I was going to have a son and that he was waiting for me to get ready. During that year and a half before I finally did figure it out I went through a lot of struggles and at one point was nearly without hope and to be without hope is to be without faith. I dont suggest anyone try to get to this point. It isnt pretty. But luckily, I have a loving Heavenly Father that knows me and knows what I need when I need it. At this particular time it was a conference talk that I didnt hear at conference but read when the Ensign came out. The talk was called The Infinite Power of Hope by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. It renewed my sense of Hope. http://lds.org/ensign/2008/11/the-infinite-power-of-hope?lang=eng It talks about his mother nearly losing her children at a train station and how she was frantically searching for her children. I could feel his mothers angst as I too at that very moment was frantically searching for my child, trying to figure out how to bring him to this earth. Trying to make our family whole. He said, "Her faith overcame her fear and her hope overcame her despair." And I knew at that moment that I read this that I needed to be like this courageous woman. Quoting directly from my journal after reading this talk I wrote: I thought of all that I have been told about having a son waiting for me and that I have to do everything I can to find him, to be able to have him...As I think about this the same thoughts come to m mind, after you do all you can do he will make up the difference. At the time I didnt know that meant my sister in law having my son for me. As I look back at all that lead up to Lawson being here I can see the Lords hand every step of the way. I know that if we try our best, give our all and are worthy and willing He will truly show us the course we should take. My faith has grown 10 fold. I have learned to not doubt the answers I receive and to know that He speaks personally to me. I am so blessed and I am filled with Hope.