Disney Vacation 2010

We decided to take one final vacation with just the three of us. Cambree was so excited. I have found however, that the only big vacations we have taken Cambree on have involved Disneyland or Disney World. Although we have the best time and I would rank this vacation as one of my top 3 we definitely need to find a new vacation spot for the next few years. We have vowed to wait at least 3 years before coming back. So any advice on where to vacation with a baby and a 6 year old would be greatly appreciated. One of the highlights of our vacation. Seeing Princess Tiana on our last day! Cambree just chilling in the back as we drove into Anaheim. She is so good on these long drives.

Our first ride, Space mountain or during Halloween season, Ghost Galaxy. Lets just say Disney's idea of a ghost actually is what I picture Satan himself to look like while submerged in the depths of hell. Talk about a scary demon. Cambree was not thrilled as shown above.

The infamous tea cups, Ben was not happy as show by his totally fake smile. We were so excited to see Alice and crew. We have never seen them before and Cambree was so happy.

I love Ben and tigger, hilarious! On the tram for another day of fun!

I love the Halloween decorations

Minnie getting ready for take off outside of Soarin over California.

We decided to do something really fun for Cambree so we went to Studio 365 and they turned her into a rock star. She loved how she looked. Sitting patiently. I wish she was this good when I do her hair.

Waiting to see what she looks like. The finished product. Everyone kept telling her how cute she looked. She said to me, "Mom, that lady that did my hair kept calling me a rock star. Do I look like a rock star?" I said, "Yes, you do look like a rockstar."

"I feel like a rock star!"

It was so cute. She also kept saying this was the best day of her life. She is too funny. Melted my heart.

We went on Peter Pans flight for the first time and absolutely loved it. When it was over Cambree said, "That was my first time flying."

Bug eyes! We really wanted to see Goofy, but we settled for his son Max:) I had a great friend that made Cambree the cutest autograph book, people kept asking us where we got it. We had a goofy page but had Max sign it instead. Thanks Heather you are the best!

Woody and the green army man. We saw some characters that we have never seen before. We also saw Jessie. So fun! I thought this was such a cute picture. As soon as we got done some guy came and got in. It was really funny. All the times we have been to California with Cambree this was her first time to see the ocean or be on the beach since she was one, which really doesnt count since she cant remember a bit of it. She loved it. She wanted to surf. We may just need to move here to get a little surfer and I can breath so much easier its so nice!

Isnt she the cutest? I absolutely love this picture! I need to get it blown up. Its so cute!

Good-bye to California for the next few years. I cant wait to bring my baby boy here and have him love it all as much as we do!

Difficult Conversatins part II

So it finally happend. I finally had THE conversation with Cambree. Im not quite sure how it got to this point, it was certainly not something I had been planning unless you count all of the time since she was born Ive spent pondering what on earth I would say to my daughter when the time was right and how on earth would I know just when that "right" time was? It began something like this: Cambree: Mom, why cant I ever eat breakfast at school? Me: Because I am not going to pay for breakfast when I have perfectly good food at home to eat. Cambree: But it would save time in the morning so we arent late. (this girl has such good logic) Me: Well I am not going to pay more money out for breakfast when it is cheaper for you to eat at home. Okay, heres the deal, maybe next time I go in the hospital dad will let you eat breakfast at school so he can drop you off at 8:00 and not be late for work. (I think I am giving a great answer that will satisfy both of us. Needless to say, this is not what happened. Not even close.) Cambree then begins to cry. Cambree: I thought you werent ever going back in the hospital again. Me: Cambree, of course I am going in the hospital again, that is what happens, I always have to go back in we just always hope I can stay out later than the last time. Cambree continues to cry Cambree: But I'll miss you. Me: I know honey I will miss you too, I always miss you when I go, but I am not going hopefully anytime soon so dont worry about something thats not happening yet. (she has a tendency to do that type of thing) I continued to talk to Cambree about her feelings and try to understand what all the tears were about. I asked her if it scared her when I went in and why. She said it did and that she always gets sad and misses me. We continued this for a little bit and as I wanted to avoid it I felt that thing inside me, ( some of you may recognize it as the spirit) tell me now was the time and I would have help to know what to say. I finally asked her if she was scared that when I go in that I may not come back. With tears in her eyes all she could do was nod her head at me and say, "yes." I then told her that yes, people with CF dont always live along time, but I also told her some really personal stories about answers to prayers I have received and things that are talked about in my patriarchal blessing. I told her that when I was almost 16 I was going into the hospital for the first time and I was really scared and thought that meant that I wasnt going to live very long so I prayed to Heavenly Father that I would be able to get my patrarchal blessing before I went in and thankfully I did. I told her how it gave me peace of mind to know that I was going to get married and have children. I told her other things in my blessing that probably shouldnt be shared so freely but that have really helped me througout my life and with this illness to know that I could be here a while. I also told her that I will always be honest with her and if I ever get really sick and she needs to worry I will let her know. That she can always talk to me about her fears. I think all of these things gave her peace and I pray that this will not add anxiety to her life. I dont want her constantly worried that Im going to die. I hope it alleviated some unknowns to her that maybe scared her more due to her active imagination. She is such a smart kid and I knew she knew. I knew it, I think I have always known it. For a while I just didnt want to admit it and make it more real. I knew that she knew what CF meant and that was why it scared her so much. I just wasnt ready to deal with this topic until now and even now I have many doubts if it was really the right time. How do you know the right time to turn your 6 year old baby girl from a 6 year old child to a 6 year old child dealing with really adult issues? Although, when I think about it she has always been a child having to see the world through older eyes than most children. Sometimes I think this makes her more lovely to me but also saddens me. It somehow makes us more alike and brings me back to my childhood filled with toys and games and all the fun things that other children got to do but with real matters on my shoulders that no one else had to worry about. And I see my daughter differently now somehow older and wiser than she was when she woke up that morning and at times I wish I could take it all back and make her think that all is right in the world. But I know that I cant take it back and I will never be able to. In her mind she will always know without question that CF kills I just pray that by some miracle she wont ever have to see it take her mother. To see difficult conversations part I click here.

Pondering

Im just sitting here being lazy and pondering life. Ive been thinking a lot about my health lately and am so grateful for the amazing summer that I was able to have. I felt great the whole summer, better than usual. While I was thinking about that I remember blessing that Ben gave me about 3 years ago and I remember in it it told me that I would be able to do things I thought I would never be able to do. I remember both Ben and I were bawling and at the time we thought it meant I would be able to have a baby, which Im sure it did, just not the way we expected. As I look back over the past 3 years and all the enjoyable fun things we have done and how healthy I have felt this summer in particular I am amazed again at the power of the priesthood and the fulfillment of promises given. The other day my brother sent me a link to a blog about a guy with CF. It is actually a blog I read pretty frequently but I hadnt read this specific post he was referring too. The blog is www.runsickboyrun.blogspot.com. Anyway, it was about a 29 yr old CF woman who through running and exercise increased her PFTs from 49% to 106%. This is astonishing to say the least. I was very happy for this girl. But then I started thinking about me and all the effort I put into P90X and I couldnt help but start to get down and think, "I wish that would have happened to me." Then as I went to bed and woke up with a clearer head I remebered that did happen to me. At my lowest point of pregnancy although I could not do the breathing test because I was so sick, we figure my lung tests got down into the high teens, around 18% yes that is not a typo. It was crazy. I was on a ventilator twice and fortunately able to come off. Now when my PFTs are at there best they are around 48% that my friends is amazing and it was mostly due to my dedication in exercise. I walked 6 days a week for 30 min and did 4 breathing treatments a day after I had Cambree because I knew it was my choice whether I lived or died. That is a story for another day. But instead of getting down on myself all I needed was to remember what I have come from and how blessed I am to be able to enjoy life to the fullest!

Days of Summer

This is how our summer went in a nutshell! Start at the bottom and move up:)

Roasting marshmallows and woofums, which are delicious! We did this quite a bit this summer which I absolutely love.

Cambree trying to pull a scary face during our backyard campout.

All of us trying to pull a scary face. Me attempting to do shadows on the wall.

Laughing at Cambree growling wanting us all to pull a scary face.

Silly faces

So much fun! This is going to be our annual campout.

Swimming, swimming, swimming we went with cousins swimming quite a bit.

Cambree doing swimming lessons, this was quite an ordeal. She hated the cold water which kept her from actually trying to swim. Give this girl some warm water and she becomes a fish.

Swimming at Manti pool with cousins Went to visit our great Johnsen friends and see there handsome boy blessed. What an incredible blessing it was. I cant wait for our little boys to be friends.

Had our great friends the Beairds down for the 24th. Sophie is a doll and is named after me:) Sophia Emilee Beaird.

Hanging with my Gram often. I adore this lady, she is one of my favorites.

Went to too many parades, I think one a year is sounding pretty good. Went outside and found my daughter walking up and down our driveway wearing this. She definitley has flare.

A little out of order but on our trip to St. George Cambree got me to jump off this with her. I have quite a fear of water these days so this was pretty good for me. Cambree did her second year of t-ball and did great. I am excited for her to play coach pitch next year.

Listened to my brothers band upside play quite a bit this summer. They are incredible. Benji is the lead singer and amazing and my brother Spencer plays the base and taught himself. They are two very talented people. Wish some of that talent would have come my way. Made a cake for this sweet boys birthday. Adams cake that I made. I really love working with fondant but need some more practice. I loved the cake stand that we put it on.

We traded this in for a Red Acura RDX that I absolutely love, but unfortunately dont have a picture of. Cambree hiking down from a place in St. George I thought it was such a cute picture. Cambree at the top of the place we hiked to in St. George for our Cox reunion. I was so happy I was able to do it even though I needed Oxygen:)

We had such an amazing summer and it went all too fast. I am looking forward to what the rest of this year has to bring.

Dance Review

This post is long over due. This was Cambrees first dance review, she was so excited and did such a good job. She really got into it and looked adorable. She did so good in Kindergarten this year. We are so proud of her.

I love this picture of her.

She was having so much fun!

Thoughts

As I have tried to put my thoughts and feelings to pen these past couple of weeks about having a baby boy no words seem to suffice for the magnitude of what is unfolding in our lives. Something I havent really shared is how worried we have been about the baby and Abby. Abby was on "almost" bedrest for the past month due to bleeding and what is called a subchronic hemmorage (I think) It has been very worrisome and hard for me to sit back and watch knowing that I am the reason for this disruption in her life. How do you do almost bedrest with 4 children? Let me just say it hasnt been easy. Abby has done fabulous but I know it has not been easy for her. Thankfully, and somewhat miraculously it seems to have cleared up. Up until this point it has been hard to actually talk about the baby with so many things to worry about. But after this last ultra sound to see how big he is and to actually find out that it is actually a HE, it is all becoming so much more real. As we sat watching our baby move and kick around it was so incredible to see how big he has gotten in a month. Things are so much more defined and you actually see a real baby squirmming. I shed many tears during the ultrasound. I thought I was looking at a boy but didnt want to get my hopes up until the tech said it truly was. Then all my emotion came to the surface and all that I have been going through for the past 2 1/2 years to get my baby boy here was all validated. Every answer to prayer was coming true and everything I felt I had received through prayer was being fulfilled. Finally, our family would be whole once again. The emotion that comes with these realizations is something that cannot be explained. I wish that I was a better writer and could dazzle you all with what I was feeling, but it was unlike anything I can explain. All I know is that both of my children have a greater purpose than I can even imagine. Both their stories of coming to life are quite miraculous. After the ultrasound I had no words for Abby, all I could say was "thank you" and give her a hug, pathetic, I know. After all she is doing and has done, thank you just seems so futile. I will never be able to repay her for her gift. What do you do for someone that is helping to make all your dreams and prayers come to be? I never knew that someone could receive so much from our Heavenly Father. I feel so unworthy of all that He is blessing me with and again stand with my arms out at a loss as to how to be grateful enough or say thank you enough. Everything pales in comparison to what I am being given. I pray someday I can be the person that He hopes me to be. To be worthy of the blessings that He is so freely giving me. But for now a heart that is bursting with gratitude and tear filled eyes of joy is all that I can offer my angel of a sister and my loving Heavenly Father.

Our boy!

I have been waiting for this for over two years. I remember it very distinctly, but yet it is such a private experience that I cannot share details at this time. But I remember knowing without a doubt that I had a son waiting for me. It took me off guard, but it has been since that time that I have been doing everything remotely possible for myself to bring this little boy into the world. It was over a year later that I found that it wouldnt be through me but through an angel. My beautiful sister in law Abby. I will never be able to express in words the gratitude and love that I have for this woman. I am in awe of her. But since the day that I knew I had a son waiting for me I have had this song in my mind and today I realized it was all being fulfilled. We are having our Boy. Our family will be together at last. The tears that were shed during the Ultra sound today were those of complete joy and addoration for this beautiful being that is already loved beyond belief. And for an Incredible Heavenly Father that has taken my hand and directed my path before me for years. I am so grateful. I hope everyone realizes that this in know way takes away from the love that I have for my beautiful daughter and the miracle that she is in our lives I just have known for such a long time that our family was not complete and have been frantically searching mind, body, and soul to bring him here. A new day has...come I was waiting for so long For a miracle to come Everyone told me to be strong Hold on and don't shed a tear Through the darkness and good times I knew I'd make it through And the world thought I had it all But I was waiting for you Hush, love I see a light in the sky Oh, it's almost blinding me I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love Let the rain come down and wash away my tears Let it fill my soul and drown my fears Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun A new day has...come Where it was dark now there's light Where there was pain now there's joy Where there was weakness, I found my strength All in the eyes of a boy Hush, love I see a light in the sky Oh, it's almost blinding me I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love Let the rain come down and wash away my tears Let it fill my soul and drown my fears Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun A new day has...come