Difficult Conversatins part II

So it finally happend. I finally had THE conversation with Cambree. Im not quite sure how it got to this point, it was certainly not something I had been planning unless you count all of the time since she was born Ive spent pondering what on earth I would say to my daughter when the time was right and how on earth would I know just when that "right" time was? It began something like this: Cambree: Mom, why cant I ever eat breakfast at school? Me: Because I am not going to pay for breakfast when I have perfectly good food at home to eat. Cambree: But it would save time in the morning so we arent late. (this girl has such good logic) Me: Well I am not going to pay more money out for breakfast when it is cheaper for you to eat at home. Okay, heres the deal, maybe next time I go in the hospital dad will let you eat breakfast at school so he can drop you off at 8:00 and not be late for work. (I think I am giving a great answer that will satisfy both of us. Needless to say, this is not what happened. Not even close.) Cambree then begins to cry. Cambree: I thought you werent ever going back in the hospital again. Me: Cambree, of course I am going in the hospital again, that is what happens, I always have to go back in we just always hope I can stay out later than the last time. Cambree continues to cry Cambree: But I'll miss you. Me: I know honey I will miss you too, I always miss you when I go, but I am not going hopefully anytime soon so dont worry about something thats not happening yet. (she has a tendency to do that type of thing) I continued to talk to Cambree about her feelings and try to understand what all the tears were about. I asked her if it scared her when I went in and why. She said it did and that she always gets sad and misses me. We continued this for a little bit and as I wanted to avoid it I felt that thing inside me, ( some of you may recognize it as the spirit) tell me now was the time and I would have help to know what to say. I finally asked her if she was scared that when I go in that I may not come back. With tears in her eyes all she could do was nod her head at me and say, "yes." I then told her that yes, people with CF dont always live along time, but I also told her some really personal stories about answers to prayers I have received and things that are talked about in my patriarchal blessing. I told her that when I was almost 16 I was going into the hospital for the first time and I was really scared and thought that meant that I wasnt going to live very long so I prayed to Heavenly Father that I would be able to get my patrarchal blessing before I went in and thankfully I did. I told her how it gave me peace of mind to know that I was going to get married and have children. I told her other things in my blessing that probably shouldnt be shared so freely but that have really helped me througout my life and with this illness to know that I could be here a while. I also told her that I will always be honest with her and if I ever get really sick and she needs to worry I will let her know. That she can always talk to me about her fears. I think all of these things gave her peace and I pray that this will not add anxiety to her life. I dont want her constantly worried that Im going to die. I hope it alleviated some unknowns to her that maybe scared her more due to her active imagination. She is such a smart kid and I knew she knew. I knew it, I think I have always known it. For a while I just didnt want to admit it and make it more real. I knew that she knew what CF meant and that was why it scared her so much. I just wasnt ready to deal with this topic until now and even now I have many doubts if it was really the right time. How do you know the right time to turn your 6 year old baby girl from a 6 year old child to a 6 year old child dealing with really adult issues? Although, when I think about it she has always been a child having to see the world through older eyes than most children. Sometimes I think this makes her more lovely to me but also saddens me. It somehow makes us more alike and brings me back to my childhood filled with toys and games and all the fun things that other children got to do but with real matters on my shoulders that no one else had to worry about. And I see my daughter differently now somehow older and wiser than she was when she woke up that morning and at times I wish I could take it all back and make her think that all is right in the world. But I know that I cant take it back and I will never be able to. In her mind she will always know without question that CF kills I just pray that by some miracle she wont ever have to see it take her mother. To see difficult conversations part I click here.