Remembering Mothers Day

As I sit here in my hospital bed, waiting for my beautiful family to join me I am reminded of a mothers day from long ago. Eight years to be exact. I sat in a room very similar to this one trying to wrap my head around what had just occurred over the past 4 weeks and how on earth I survived it all. I think I was wondering how on earth I was going to take on this mighty task of motherhood feeling the way I felt and being weaker than I had ever experienced before, mind, body, and soul. I remember not having any energy as I felt the withdrawals from the heavy pain medication they had me on that I had decided to stop "cold turkey". Bad idea by the way. I felt as if though this greatest calling of motherhood was too great a task for this naive young girl who could barely get out of bed. I remember getting enough strength to go and see her that morning and as I gazed at this tiny, most beautiful little thing my courage returned and I knew with her by my side I could conquer the world! I would fight with everything I had to live for her and Ben and I would spend everyday trying to be the best mother I could be. I knew with the help of the Lord he would help me to raise one of his most precious daughters. Thank goodness Ben and I wouldn't have to do it alone. Although I have fallen short many many times I continue to try and am grateful for the opportunity to raise my now 2 children. I'm grateful for a wonderful mother who has shown me how to be a mom and has loved me unconditionally. Without her I would not be who I am today! Although I would prefer to not be in the hospital for yet another mothers day, is this 3 or 4? I've lost track. As long as my babies are with me I'm home.

Cambree turns 8!

These pictures are completely out of order. I still have a hard time with Blogger. Haven't quite figured it out. I think I am still in shock that my baby girl is 8 years old. Where has the time gone? For her birthday Ben and I made her breakfast in bed. I'm pretty sure this is the new tradition that she won't let me forget about. I started it last year. Hot fudge banana French toast, how can you beat that? She was pretty excited. We also gave her her presents. I made her a photo book from 2-3. Yes, I'm completely behind, about 6 years worth:). We decided to leave Lawson home and just make it a really special day focused on Cambree. She was so excited when she got done with school. She told me she wanted to get her ears pierced and that she wanted Aprils birthstone which is diamond. Apparantly her friend who is a couple weeks older than her had just got hers done. I told Cambree we could go do it if it was something she really wanted and wasn't just doing it for her friends or because her friends had it done. Her immediate answer,"okay, never mind. I don't want to." I was pretty surprised but I think it turned into a good lesson. She is a silly girl sometimes. We told her we would take her anywhere she wanted to eat. She chose Macaroni Grill. We also decided to start getting use of our pass of all passes and went to trafalga in Lehi. we had a lot of fun there. Laser tag, rides and rock climbing. All in all I think it was a good birthday. On fri. We let Cambree have a late night party with. Few friends. She invited Heather, Megan, Payton, Ellie, and Emma Kate. I usually go all out with decorations and all that, but this party was pretty low key since I wasn't feeling great and we will be having a big family arty when she gets baptized. The girls made mini pizzas and per Cambrees request we had mini cupcakes. The girls got to stay until 9:30 and I think all in all it was a success!It still amazes me that 8 years ago we sat in great anticipation for the beautiful girl we couldn't believe was coming so soon. I remember us frantically trying to come up with a middle name for her. Originally I had thought she shouldn't have one because I didn't have one. Then the night before her arrival I was adamant that she should have one because I was always a little upset that I didn't. I wanted something that had meaning and purpose something that would in someway describe the amazing ness of this little soul and all we had been through. I wanted her named after me, but Cambree Emilee just didn't fit right. After looking for quite sometime Ben found Malli, it means flower. Yes, that would be perfect so delicate yet so strong to grow into such beauty. It also is like Emilee without the E. I loved it from the minute I heard it and knew that it was very fitting.I am so very proud of my little girl and the amazingly loving beautiful girl that she is. She has given me a world filled with wonder and joy and I look forward to what her future holds in store for her. I have great hopes for all that she can become. She never ceases to amaze me and the love and concern that she has for others is a great gift that she has been blessed with. I've learned more from her in her 8 years than I could have ever learned otherwise. I pray we continue to teach each other and learn along the way. I love you sweet Cambree Malli and all that you are!

"whats so special about mothers?"

Im sure many of you have either seen or heard of the movie Mars Needs Moms.  But have you ever read the book?  It is a beautiful book with an even more beautiful message.  Everytime I read this book to my children, I cry.  As I read it to Lawson this morning my reaction was no different.  It got me thinking about my relationship with my children and then even further my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Those that know me well, or have been reading this blog for awhile understand that every April memories come rushing back to me and envelope my soul.  They take me back every year to the time that I was pregnant and struggling for survival, mine and my daughters.  It never fails.  Its not conscious and sometimes I dont even realize it is happening until I am fully engulfed in my emotions and sit wondering what on earth is the matter with me, only then to realize it is that time of year.  I dont dread it, its not a sad time, but a time of rememberance and reflection that leads me to ponder much about my life and my purpose.  This year was no different.  In all honesty, I think this year is slightly harder than the past few have been.  It is this realization that my daughter is turning 8 years old.  In our religion, this is a very significant age.  It is the age of accountability, the age where they are baptized and make covenants with our Heavenly Father, the age where they receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.  The past nine months, all I keep asking myself is, "Have I done enough, have I taught her enough?"  I dont think I will ever know the answer to this question.  I can only pray that I have done my best and wherever Ben and I have been lacking that Heavenly Father will make up the rest. 

I remember when Cambree wasnt even 1 and I was told that I had a 50% chance that I would live 5 years.  I went through so many different scenarios in my head and wondered, truly wondered if I would live to see the day that my daughter would be immersed into the waters of baptism.  If I would be here for that glorious day.  Im so happy to know that I will be and even more grateful that I am doing as well as I am healthwise.  It has definitely been a ride.  As I look over the past 8 years I wonder if I have been the best mother I can be.  Honestly, probably not all the time.  There are times I have yelled when I shouldnt have yelled, times when I didnt listen to her and I should have, times I should have taken her to the park or for a walk.  But dont we all have these moments?  I know I need to be a better mother.  I know I am harder on myself than anybody else could be, I know that I am doing my best and most importantly I know that my daughter loves me anyway. 

To conclude my jumble of thoughts, as I read Mars Needs Moms and I think on the love that mothers have for their children, that yes, they truly would give their life for the life of their child.  I think on the Savior and especially this Easter season the sacrifices that he made for all of us. I know that being a mother helps me understand a tiny bit more the love that the Savior has for me.  He did die for us, He suffered for us, and as a mother we would do the same for our babies.  Fortunately, most of us arent asked to, but it allows us to also have a better relationship with our Savior because we can understand at least to some degree why he did what he did for us.  Im so grateful for that gift and so grateful for the knowledge that I have of the atonement and sacrifice that was given on my behalf.  I pray that I can be a better mother with each passing day When the time comes I pray that I can look my Savior in his loving eyes and know that I did my best and that my children will truly know what is so special about mothers.

Day 14

TV show (or shows) you're currently addicted to-
Modern Family...my favorite show on tv right now.
The Voice...I love Adam Levine
Army Wives...the new season starts soon. I'm so excited.

My guilty pleasures that I'm not proud of:
Teen Mom 2
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
both of these seasons are over. Maybe next season I won't watch...hmmm we'll see.

Day 13

So, I'm really terrible at this. I've just decided im going to do the ones I like. Today favorite quotes, mottos or versus. Thanks to pinterest I've found lots! One of my most favorite is my blog name Miracles Happen. Here are a few more.

Day 10

I'm skipping day 9 other than food from a cafeteria I haven't bought anything for 2 weeks.

Day 10 my favorite place to eat.
I love there minestrone and lasagna fritta! So good. Pretty sure this will be lunch today.

A Cure

I just read a line in a book that I could completely relate to, it read:
"A new kind of freedom. But then...what? What would my life be like on a daily basis? Most of it has been consumed with the acquisition of food (in my case Cystic Fibrosis). Take that away and I'm not really sure who I am, what my identity is."

-The Hunger Games

For anyone that knows me really well, the word cure was never part of my vocabulary. I remember at times going to the CF doctor as a kid and them saying, "10 years, in 10 years we'll have a cure.". It was strange. Mostly strange in the fact that I didn't eat it up. In reality I didn't believe them and when I would think about not having Cystic Fibrosis anymore it scared me. I remember whenever I would tell people that they thought I was nuts. How could I not want a cure?

Ive never felt like CF defines me, but it has definitely molded and shaped me into who I am. I'm grateful for it. I feel I'm a better person for having it, not better than anyone else, it's jut helped me to be the best version of myself. The thought of losing that made me feel like I would lose, well, me. Over the years as I have had to deal with the really ugly side of CF my views have changed some. I don't think I ever actually prayed for a cure until I had my daughter and felt my life literally slipping away from me. I have never wanted anything so bad. Before, I was young and naive and had not seen or experienced whatCystic Fibrosis does, how it plays out. Now having experienced it first hand and luckily coming most of the way back, the thoughts of a cure is something I cling to, I have hope. With the new drug that just came out I feel there is hope just over the horizon and I pray that it comes sooner rather than later. I'll figure out who I am without all the treatments and hospital stays, I have a feeling it won't be too difficult.