Why I Never Ever Go Camping

Camping and myself go together about as well as oil and water. I never go. Most people close to me would say they have heard me use the word hate and camping simultaneously and often. When my husband told me the Johnsens were coming down and we were camping with them, shock is an understatement. Why oh why would my husband that knows me better than anyone agree to me going camping? I love the Johnsens, I love hanging out with the Johnsens, but I don't even camp with my family.

There are many reasons that I hate camping, I didn't even understand completely where this hate came from until I lay thinking in a tent Fri night and it all became crystal clear. First of all, we live at 6000 ft here in good ol' Fairview. In the mountains that number jumps significantly to about 9000ft give or take, at least where we were staying. That's a big difference and my lungs don't enjoy that change. I go from only needing 02 at night to needing it continuously. This is the major reason I don't like it, but again I didn't fully understand why. Then it hit me. It makes me feel weak. It makes me remember all that I went through after I had Cambree. It takes away all that I worked so hard to get to. I live my life pretty routinely and pretty happily. I m able to take care of my house, my family, myself. I love being able to do for myself. I love that I am healthy enough to make dinner, decorate my daughters room, and give the baby a bath. Granted some days, most days I can't do it all, but while camping, I feel like I can't do any of it. I have to depend on Ben to do most of the work and I hate that. I feel with each puff of air it's reminding me, "you have CF, you have CF". Then I hear, "you are weak, you aren't good enough". Believe me, I know it's silly. I know I have CF, I deal with it everyday, I deal with it, but I don't dwell on it. I feel like camping makes me dwell on it. As I lay there completely overwhelmed in my thoughts hating every puff that sounds and wondering if my baby and husband are okay due to Lawson screaming from a gassy stomach, I hear through her heavy eyelids, just as she was dozing off,  "I love you mama." Suddenly, everything was okay, it didnt matter that I was on 02 or that Ben had been overly stressed due to the screaming baby. My little girl loved me and I was doing something right.

This same beautiful girl had her testimony strengthened whie on this trip.  There was a heavy overcast with dark clouds.  I was sure it was going to rain.  Cambree is very scared of thunder and lightening and constantly asks if it will rain if there is one gray cloud in the sky.  I kept telling her I didnt know.  Then she says, "mom, I prayed three times that it wouldnt rain."  I was a little suprised and  a little worried to be honest.  It was getting really dark.  I told her that I didnt know if Heavenly Father could answer that prayer because the Earth needs rain.  (I know, oh ye, of little faith.)  Well guess what, my little girls prayer was answered.  There was a slight sprinkle and the clouds parted. I love her faith and her knowledge she has to pray.

Although I hate camping and I never ever do it, I went camping, I slept in a tent, I pottied in the woods, I did it all. I told my brain to shut it and I remembered that it was just for a couple of days. I loved every minute with the Johnsens and I can't thank them enough for getting me out of my comfort zone and reminding me I can do things even if I can't do much while camping. So next time, and there will be a next time I will camp down South where the air is a little thicker and my breathing is a bit easier.


This little man was sooo good.  Other than the first night of some gas and screaming, he was an angel. 

Just chillin with mama.  I love the hat.  He continually tries to pull it off.

                                                                 Look at that sweet face.

Jacob Johnsen making some yummy grub!

Me enjoying the grub, whilst attached to the biggest 02 tank available.

This is how Lawson slept and he did great!

My amazing husband who did EVERYTHING while on this camping trip.

Cambree loved playing with the Johsens dog Larry. 

I love this lady! She is so fun to hang with and just visit.  Thanks for letting us use your tent.  It was great!

Love Him!

Jacob and his stud Naters!

These two girls had the best time!

CF Control and Progression

A few days ago I read a blog who had read a challenge offered by Piper, over at A Matter of Life and Breath.  She wrote an amazing blog post  and extended a challenge to others to write about their thoughts on CF control and progression. So here goes...
As I have grown up always knowing full well that I had a disease called Cystic Fibrosis, I didnt understand exactly what that meant.  I knew it was something I could die from, I knew it was scary, and I knew that I was, as they say, "beating the odds".  I had ups and downs all through adolescence, I was always "sicker" than my older brother, but it wasnt until I was almost 16 that CF became a little more real to me.  It was then that I had to go into the hospital for the first time.  I was scared out of my mind.  I worried that this was the beginning of the end.  Oh how I was wrong, thank goodness!  About 30+ hospital stays later at 31 years old I realize that my young, immature 16 year old self had no idea what lie ahead of me in this journey of life with CF. 

I dont think I was ever in denial.  I always knew I had Cystic Fibrosis and that death comes from this disease.  I think that we can really only know what we have experienced or have witnessed other people experience.  At that age the only other CF person I knew was my older brother and as previously mentioned he was always healthier than me. Growing up treatments were hit and miss.  Compared to now there wasnt a whole lot to do.  Take enzymes with meals, inhale distilled water through a big tube, (my brother and I would pretend the mist was death and try to kill each other.  Awesome right?), and get our backs pounded on in hopes to loosen the yucky crud in our lungs.  It was probably middle school age that I really started taking a great intrerest in my own health and began to be pretty compliant.  I would miss treatments at night if I got home too late from a ball game or if I went and stayed at a friends house.  I remember when I was 14 years old, a freshman in high school, I had to wake up at 4:30 every morning so I could do my medicine get ready and go to cheerleading practice.  I was dedicated and determined. I went in the hospital about once a year, (after that first visit)on my terms, at least thats what I told myself.  I felt as though I was in charge of CF.  Oh how things change. 

My last year of College I had a few very scary incidences.  I began coughing up cup loads of blood.  I had to be hospitalized and they embolized my lung.  I was more scared than I have ever been.  Thankfully, we got it under control.  Soon after this experience I was married and began married life in a job that I loved but that was very stressful. I went in the hospital four times that year. My husband felt I should quit my job, but I was prideful. I was determined to show CF and everyone around me that I was in charge. It wasn't until I found out I was pregnant that I knew quitting my job was the only option if I had any chance of having a healthy baby. I was really worried about miscarriage due to the stress I was under.

After quitting my lung functions increased. My Drs were amazed especially because I was pregnant. At about 6 months that all started to change. If you have read any of my previous posts about my pregnancy you know what happened. Death has never felt closer. After surviving having my daughter I struggled in every aspect of CF, and life. I remember I had only been home a couple of weeks after spending a month in the hospital. I was so weak and frail that all I could do was feed my baby and do my medicine. That day in particular I had used all my strength to give Cambree a bath, she had maybe been out of the tub 30 min. when she vomited all over herself. I was devastated. Thankfully my mom came home at that time and told me to go shower and she would take care of the baby. I did just that. It was then that I was at my lowest point, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I remember thinking, "I don't know if I can do this anymore." I distinctly remember feeling that I had a choice. I could choose whether I lived or died. I also felt that in order to survive it was going to take a lot of hard work on my part. I chose to live! I don't think I have ever dedicated myself so much to something. I exercised 6 days a week and did 4 treatments a day. Even though I did this I went in the hospital 6 times that year. I continued to fight. It didn't seem that I had much control over anything. The only thing I did know was that if I stopped working I was giving up and death was imminent.

I don't know why I got to choose, I guess in reality by being compliant we are all choosing to fight. I have often struggled with why I was able to come back from where I was when so many aren't. I am so grateful that I was, but have often felt guilty for those of my friends that have not and have since passed on. It's hard watching others that we are close to struggle. It makes me appreciate that I am still able to do. It has been 7 years since that time. The progression of my CF has maintained pretty well. I only went in the hospital once this year. I do my medicine and take vitamins. Everybodys journey with CF is different. This is my journey/trial and I am trying to learn everything I can from it and do it with grace and patience.  I definitely lack in both areas often.  My brother who has the same mutaions as me has just recently had to start thinking about CF in a different way.  He has only been in the hospital a handful of times and is 33 years old.  That is his journey. Overall, my thoughts continue to change on the whole control of CF thing. I think that overall God is in control. I do think that we all have a purpose in this life and when we have fulfilled our mission/purpose it is our time to go. Along with that we have to take care of ourselves and do our part to be here and have the best quality of life we can.

These are my jumbled mess of thoughts.  If you wish to take the challenge, read below...
1. Write a blog explaining your personal thoughts and experiences in dealing with CF control and progression. This could include your views on whether CF is in fact a "controllable" disease, your personal definition of compliance, your thoughts on whether (or how) someone with CF should be judged in terms of "good enough" self-care (what makes you feel judged? do you think those fears are justified? is judgment ever useful in this context?), your own struggles with control vs. unpredictability, and how you keep motivated in the face of so many questions. Or, you know, whatever you want to write about really. It's your blog.
2. Comment below with a link to your blog so that all of us can read your response. YOU DO NOT NEED TO LINK TO MY BLOG IN YOUR ANSWER. If you'd like to do so, please feel free, but this is about starting a discussion, not publicity.
3. Encourage your own readers to get in on the conversation by posting the same instructions on your blog. Remember, the more responses, the better the conversation. Let's see if we can get this one going as much as with past challenges.
4. If you don't have a personal blog (or just don't feel like going through steps 1-3), feel free to still make yourself heard by simply leaving a comment with your thoughts below.
5. Non-CFers are 100% welcome to participate, either by pulling from their own experiences or simply by offering their perspective as people, friends, and loved one's.

Any similarities?

Lawson just out of the bath, 8 months old.

                                             

Cambree in the bath, I believe about 8 months old.

Lawson reminds me of Cambree in so many different ways.  He pulls faces and I swear I have gone back 7 years.  Its a little crazy.  He is definitely chunkier than his sister ever was.  At his 6 month appointment he weighed 16.5 lbs.  When Cambree was a year old she weighed 16 lbs.  I love my beautiful babies!

Dance Review and Summer Fun

This post is a bit late, but I couldnt leave out pictures of Cambree's dance review.  Every year right before school gets out every class in the Elementary school does a dance. This years theme was Western. Cambree's class danced to Fishin' in the Dark.  It was really cute and Cambree did a great job. 

Getting ready for the big routine

They had fishing poles and a handkerchief in their pocket. 

All of the cousins that were in the dance review.

The whole fam.

Our sweet Lawson boy, he loves his tongue.  He is 6 months old here.

Here he is again at 7.5 months old.  I love this picture!  He is so funny and already showing so much personality. 

Cheeser!

Cambree played coach pitch this year and did a great job thanks to her Auntie Shanny and Ben.

4th of July, just waiting for the parade.

Such a sweet face.

And another "sweet" face.  She is a goof just like her dad.

Poor guy, he hated the sirens and gun shots.

Hangin with mama.

We took a trip with the Cox crew to Bear Lake and had a great time.

Cambree and her tongue, apparantly both kids love their tongues.

This is what Lawson did for 2 days.  He was an angel and didnt fuss a bit sitting on the beach 2 days in a row.

The only time he got in the water, he doesnt enjoy it much.

All the kids being crazy!

My little snuggle bum!



Say What?

For years I have known I have a hearing problem. My left ear is much worse than my right. It's always been kind of a joke within the family. I'm all about joking about the many ailments of my body. After my last hospital stay in Feb. I noticed a significant change in my hearing. It was pretty concerning seeing as how I already had trouble hearing. My family noticed it too. Some conversations were getting frustrating both for me and whomever I was speaking with. I was also becoming slightly embarrassed having to keep asking people to repeat themselves, especially people I don't know very well.

I decided it was time to take the plunge and revisit the ENT. Especially ine my insurance covers them t the U of U hospital again. My appointment was on Friday. To say I was/am a little discouraged is an understatement. During the test I knew I was failing miserably. After the test the lady came in and showed me the change that had occurred within a 3 year span. It was significant, surprisingly on both sides. I had to hold back the tears. When meeting with the dr. We decided to do surgery on my right ear and patch up the hole in my ear drum. Hopefully this will help my hearing improve somewhat. We will see how that goes and then decide whether to try the left ear.

I'm quite surprised at how much this news affected me. I mean, come on, I knew I was deaf. There was no denying it. For some reason seeing it on paper and seeing how much loss has occurred in such a short time, well, I wasn't prepared for that. My husband asked me why I let numbers affect me so much? You see, with CF my lung tests are based on numbers. The lower the numbers the worse I am. I always tell myself don't go by the numbers it's all in how you feel. It's a lot easier to say than to always do. Sometimes I think I make myself think I'm okay. I think it's a survival technique I've come up with, pretend all is well until someone or some numbers tell you otherwise. So unfortunately I let the numbers affect me more than I like. I'm trying to not be discouraged. M trying to tell myself it will all be okay. I'm in complete denial that a hearing aide may be in my near future. And I'm trying desperately to ignore the fact that CF has yet again taken something from me.

At Peace

I still remember that hospital visit as if it were yesterday. It was January of 2008 and I decided to take this 2 week visit as a gift. A gift to take time for me and really search and ponder what was before me in regards to my future and my families future. I remember spending most of the first week just reading. Reading scriptures, talks by General Authorities, and my past journals. I rarely had the tv on which was very different for me. I usually had that thing on even if I wasn't watching trying to rid myself of the quiet. This time I welcomed the peace. I remember one day deciding that rather than pray, I was going to listen. Whatever popped into my head I would write down. I still recall what I wrote down and am amazed at how it's all worked out so far.

I remember finally, maybe for the first time since Cambree was born, feeling at complete peace with my family and our situation at the time. Ben, Emilee, and Cambree, the three Musketeers, the three amigos, threes company. We together could take on the world. I felt complete joy for our little family and all that lay ahead of us. For years I had struggled wondering if there was another child for our family and for years the answer that came was always the same, I'll let you know. At that moment I felt He was letting me know and then something came over me that I cant describe and the thought came, you need to have another baby. Confusion is a word that can't begin to describe what I felt at that moment. How could I finally feel peace about my family and in the next moment feel as if there was another one needing to join us?

I have since learned how the Lord works with me.  He gives me peace and then he fills me in on the journey he has set before me, stone by stone, brick by brick it begins to unfold and this is when my journey for Lawson truly began unfolding. It took years for me to fully understand the way the Lord works with me. It also took a lot of second guessing myself and wondering if those thoughts were my own or from a greater power. As it has been fulfilled with many tears from fear, humility and gratitude I have come to know my Savior and Heavenly Father in a new way.

The peace that comes from our Savior is real. He is real! He Lives! He wants us to have joy and peace and love beyond measure. I am so very grateful for this knowledge and so grateful for the power He has in my life. I look into my sons eyes and I feel the presence of the spirit in my home continually. I have joy beyond measure and I wonder to myself, how is it possible for one person to have every wish they have ever wished be fulfilled? I truly do, and I could not be more happy than I am in these moments.

Cambree Turns 7

I cant believe that my baby girl is 7 years old.  It feels like yesterday that we brought her home without a clue what we were doing!  I think so far we are doing a pretty okay job.  She is the most amazing little girl that I know.  She surprises me everyday.  Some good, some not as good:)  I love how beautiful she is.  She has a beautiful soul, the love and compassion that she has for others amazes me.  She is friends with anyone and everyone.  She gets along pretty well with everyone.  One minute she'll be playing with her cousins her age and the next she is playing with her 3 and 4 year old cousins.  Im so proud of her and so thankful that I get to be her mom.  I think she is turning out to be a pretty spectacular little lady, even if she is a little sassy at times.  I love you Miss Cambree Malli!

My beautiful baby girl!

We took her breakfast in bed and this is how we found her.

One tired little lady!

Lawson is so happy for her to get all her presents.  Im pretty sure this wont always be the case:)

Her new scooter.

The cake I made for her this year.  She loves tangled so I thought I would give it a shot.

We actually celebrated her birthday a little early at an Easter party that quite a few of her cousins would be too.  The most low key party ive had for her.

Im pretty sure her wish will come true.