Okay, so this post is not to get people to tell me how how thin I am or anything of the like. It is solely for the purpose of venting. Thats not to say you cant comment, I really enjoy comments. Im just not throwing this out there to get compliments is all.
It seems, since I hit the ripe old age of 30(I love being in my 30s by the way). My body seemed to take on a mind of it's own. I used to be the skinny girl. Now I am in no way shape or form saying I am fat. I know I'm not fat. I'm just really struggling with my body image from what it once was, to my current situation. About 2 years ago I was exercising heavily. During that time I put on about 15 pounds. I think it was mainly muscle. Since then I have not been exercising like I should and that muscle has since turned to goo with a few pounds taxed on to it. Think of your current weight, whatever it is and add 15-20 lbs to that. You wouldn't be thrilled either would you?
However, there is an upside to this. Having Cystic Fibrosis it is extremely difficult for most of us to gain weight. I was always in this boat until recently. I remember after I had Cambree I was scary thin. I look at old pictures and I look gross. I was always told to eat as many calories as I could and often had to drink supplemental drinks (i.e. Boost, scandishake, Ensure)just to add calories. I often out ate everyone in the family. After dating Ben for about 3 months I ate the lumberjack breakfast at Dees by myself. I don't think he knew whether to be impressed or to be scared. I remember the dietician in the hospital once told me they wanted me around 125-130 lbs. I thought she had lost her ever lovin mind. There was no way I would ever get there. I guess I was the crazy one. I still have the mentality of stuffing my face, something I'm working on. The plus side to this is that I'm at my "ideal" weight and honestly, I believe that is why I have been able to be out of the hospital as much as I have. It's for this reason, and this reason only that I am not going to try to lose weight. Although, every time I look down and see this gut hanging over my pants I have to remind myself of that. I am grateful to be healthy and I guess if it's at the cost of feeling not as great about myself it's still worth it.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Weighty matter
Posted by Emilee at 12:08 PM
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8 comments:
I completely understand! I've gained 10 pounds this year, thanks to zenpep, and it's definitely been an adjustment. Even when you KNOW it is the right thing, it's hard to gain any weight in a culture that is so skinny-obsessed. I have really had to keep reminding myself about the Lord's definition of beautiful, and that my HEALTHY weight is really ideal! Luckily, Mahon is super sweet and always says "good job" when I gain weight!
Cindy,
Ben is the same way, and always asking to make sure I dont lose too much weight. My weight fluctuates(sp?) quite a bit. The Lords definition is definitely different than the worlds, in all aspects thanks goodness.
I never even noticed that you had gained 15-20 pounds. You still look gorgeous to me. Us women should all embrace our guts!! Ugh! I hate it! But if it makes you healthier then you keep that gut and love it! LOL!
P.S. Ok, I'm not just saying this because of your post but that family pic at the top of your blog is probably the most gorgeous I have ever seen you. You look absolutely AMAZING! Wow! Such a cute family but I have to say, you are breathtaking in it! I'm just telling the truth!
Ok, after re looking at the picture, you ALL look so dang cute! Your kids are adorable! I guess Ben isn't too bad either! I don't want to make him feel bad by leaving him out!
WE love you guys! We need to talk about our trip next year! It will be here before you know it! We should do dinner sometime in the next few months to talk about the details! Yay! I'm so excited!
Emilee, you look AMAZING! I promise! I think you look better! More healthy, like you said. And there is no "over hang" or whatever you called it! jeez girl! We are going to stop by and visit you maybe sometime this week, or next ;) Can't wait!! I also read the awesome article about you and Abbie in the messenger and I loved it. Your story always keeps me in awe!
I found your blog through Cindy's page and am so glad to see someone write about this. I feel the exact same way! I am gaining weight in order to be in the best position TTC, but it's all going to my belly (classic CF) and even though it's only 5 pounds so far..when I was underweight before, it looks like a lot more than five "measly" pounds. It is so hard to get past that media-hyped "right" image and for us, skinny isn't healthy. This change in acceptance is difficult though. I hope it gets easier for you!
I just got interrogated by my OB in a really annoying way re pregnancy weight, so you have a sympathetic ear here.
I still think of you whenever I buy whole milk (for Daphs).
I hear ya sis! I am at that "20 pounds over where I always was," and it's a little tough. I still like myself, but of course wish I was thinner. Why do we do this to ourselves? I am with you, I just don't like the gut hanging out over my pants! We are our worst critics!
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