Cambree's baptism

Cambree was baptized on June 2, 2012.  It was such an amazing day that I have been looking forward to for quite sometime.  Unfortunately it had to be postponed a month due to me being in the hospital, but everything was perfect and she was so excited to get baptized.  Ben and I both wrote Cambree a letter to read the morning of her baptism and gave her a necklace that we have been holding onto for a while.  We bought her a butterfly necklace with a little diamond in it when she was about 3 years old.  I always knew I wanted to give it to her for her baptism.  As time has gone on since that purchase there have been times where I have wondered if I would be here to give it to her.  It was such an amazing experience to finally be able to and to know that I am going to be here for a good long time yet.  I think one day she will realize the significance of that necklace to me. 

The opening song for her baptism was Im Trying to Be Like Jesus, talk about get me crying right from the start.  I have sang this song to Cambree thousands of times.  Its one of our favorites.  Cambree and my sister Whitney also sang a duet that was beautiful its called When I am Baptized.  So basically I was a cry baby the entire time. 

When Ben stood in the font with her to baptize her and began to get a little choked up I too cried again, I am so proud of Cambree and her decision to become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She is such a special girl that has a huge heart. She loves people and is truly a kind little girl. I hope she can always stay that way and always remember how she felt on her special day.

Opening her necklace

Excited for the big day!

Very happy parents

My sweet little family

She is such a daddy's girl

Baylee got baptized the same day as Cambree

Cambree's cake. 

A June filled with emotion

I've been thinking about writing a post for sometime now, talking about the different emotions that have occurred, both highs and lows. Just when I would think I had what I wanted to say collected in my brain a new event would occur and change everything I was thinking. I'm sure this post will be scattered so please bear with me. June started out with the baptism of my baby girl. I'll post a separate post later, but it was a beautiful day. We were saddened to hear of the loss of our cousins father in law that day. Cambrees baptism could not have been more beautiful. I had tears often because of the joy I felt for the decision she had made. Then came our Anniversary, 10 wonderful years filled with a lifetime of experiences. I remember feeling a little sad with the realization that we only got about 1.5 years of marriage together with healthy Emilee. Sometimes I miss her desperately. I miss being fun and outgoing and not having my life revolve around medicine or oxygen. We had a wonderful Anniversary filled with amazing food and the joy of being together. The next weekend we went to Fish Lake for 2 days, although fun, it reminded me of how much I missed the healthy me as well. Having to wear my oxygen constantly gets really old really fast! The space between Anniversary and Fish Lake we heard some terrible news that two former classmates passed away. One a year older than me (suicide)and the other a year younger (accidental overdose) I was deeply saddened for their families, but more for them and the life choices they had made that brought them to this point. I remember thinking, by all counts these two should have outlived me. I was saddened that they were lacking in joy. I've been thinking a lot about joy and the quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley, "Life is to be enjoyed not just endured." I wish people understood this more. This life has so much to offer. I also have been thinking about a quote by President Thomas S. Monson, "Find joy in the journey." Find is an action, we might have to work a little to get the joy, but it is there to be found. My hope for everyone I know is that they can see the joy in their lives, that thy can feel the love that surrounds them and they can know of their great worth and talents they have. Not long after these deaths a fire started in our area. I have never seen a fire so close to us. After 24 hrs of it burning it began to become very real. A man that I don't know well, but that works for the city had his house burn down. He lost everything he owned. He had a trailer ready to load things, but because he was so concerned with the welfare of others he never got a minute to go back to his home. I had family that lost 100s of sheep. I became emotional hearing these stories. I was saddened for their loss. A few days passed and it seemed that things were getting under control. My nephew had his 9th birthday and a bunch of us went to 7 peaks to celebrate. On our way home we learned that Fairview, the town I live in was being evacuated. I remember feeling a sense of panic. I wouldn't be able to go home and grab anything. All I had was a swimming suit, some underwear (thankfully) a t-shirt, and some basketball shorts. My children each had an outfit and that was it. I didnt have the medicine I needed or even a car because I had loaned it to my brother to go home earlier. I'm not sure I've ever felt so helpless. I was with my sister in law Kim and we decided to go to my sister Brandi's house. It's kind of amazing how everything worked out, my sister Whitney was able to get me oxygen just before the place closed, I was able to get the most important medicine I needed just before the pharmacy closed. It was very apparent to me that I was being watched over. As I lay in bed that night with both my babies by my side (Ben was in Cedar City at a football camp) I realized that worse case scenario my house burn to the ground. I knew even if that happened(the likely hood was very slim) that we would be ok. My family was safe and that was all I needed to know. It was a humbling experience, realizing that none of this "stuff" matters. Yes, I would have been sad and there are things I wish I could have grabbed, but overall it all would have been alright. I'm thankful for the lesson I learned that day, but even more grateful for the joy and the love that I am so abundantly blessed with.

10 Years and Counting!

 I remember sitting in a hospital bed when he came in with some of my friends from High School.  They happened to be his cousin.  Its funny that thats where we met, the hospital.  Who knew how much our lives would revolve around that place.  When I first saw him, I thought he was pretty cute.  I thought he would be cuter without braces, but still cute.  Then he was messing with his pager and asked if he could use my phone to call it.  I then thought, why is this little rich boy here in my room?  Obviously he was less than interested in being there.  See, where I lived no one I knew had a pager to me that just meant he had a lot of money.  Yes, I was making judgements.  Then as we are all visiting suddenly I get beaned in the head with a rolled up piece of paper.  Is this kid for real?  He could not of been anymore obnoxious.  Fast forward to almost a year later.  I am out on the high school track warming up for cheer practice when the football boys come running out of the tunnel, (it was always the highlight of our practice.)  Then I saw him, I know, so cliche, the football player and the head cheerleader.  This is good stuff people.  I remember looking at him and thinking, this cant be the same annoying kid I met nearly a year ago.  In a matter of a few months I came to know that he indeed was.  I asked him to the first boy girl dance of the year, girls choice and as they say, the rest is history.  Nearly 15 years later I still like to think back on that time.  Two very young kids with only hope and love in their eyes.  I would never believe people could know what love is in High School, except that I did.  It has definitely been a rollercoaster with this boy.  It doesnt seem that much has come easy except the love that we have for each other.  That has never been hard. 

When he went on his mission for 2 years to Ohio I have never been so sad, but have never grown so much either.  It was an amazing time for both of us with much growth and learning.  It prepared us to be married, to be ready for marriage and especially to be ready for what would lie ahead of us.  Our wedding day 6 weeks after he got home could not have been more amazing.  Simple and elegant, just how I like things.  We had our most amazing family and friends supporting us and the future held so much.  I never could have known the journey we would go on, but I wouldnt change a thing.  No things have not always been easy, but I couldnt have done any of it without Ben by my side.  He is truly the most incredible man I know.  He never questions what we are asked to go through he just buckles down and treads ahead full bore never looking back or wondering what could have been.  He always gives me the peace and comfort I need when I need it and when I need someone to tell me just how it is, he does that too.  I have been so blessed to find him and am so grateful that we will be together with our beautiful children for all eternity!  What an amazing gift that is.  Thank you Ben for 10 incredible years of marriage you make each day fun and exciting.  I look forward to what the future holds for us and know that with you by my side we can get through anything! I love you!







 These are the only pictures I have on my computer so here  you go:

Our engagement picture that was on our invitation.

It was such a beautiful day!

One of my bridal pictures.

Remembering Mothers Day

As I sit here in my hospital bed, waiting for my beautiful family to join me I am reminded of a mothers day from long ago. Eight years to be exact. I sat in a room very similar to this one trying to wrap my head around what had just occurred over the past 4 weeks and how on earth I survived it all. I think I was wondering how on earth I was going to take on this mighty task of motherhood feeling the way I felt and being weaker than I had ever experienced before, mind, body, and soul. I remember not having any energy as I felt the withdrawals from the heavy pain medication they had me on that I had decided to stop "cold turkey". Bad idea by the way. I felt as if though this greatest calling of motherhood was too great a task for this naive young girl who could barely get out of bed. I remember getting enough strength to go and see her that morning and as I gazed at this tiny, most beautiful little thing my courage returned and I knew with her by my side I could conquer the world! I would fight with everything I had to live for her and Ben and I would spend everyday trying to be the best mother I could be. I knew with the help of the Lord he would help me to raise one of his most precious daughters. Thank goodness Ben and I wouldn't have to do it alone. Although I have fallen short many many times I continue to try and am grateful for the opportunity to raise my now 2 children. I'm grateful for a wonderful mother who has shown me how to be a mom and has loved me unconditionally. Without her I would not be who I am today! Although I would prefer to not be in the hospital for yet another mothers day, is this 3 or 4? I've lost track. As long as my babies are with me I'm home.

Cambree turns 8!

These pictures are completely out of order. I still have a hard time with Blogger. Haven't quite figured it out. I think I am still in shock that my baby girl is 8 years old. Where has the time gone? For her birthday Ben and I made her breakfast in bed. I'm pretty sure this is the new tradition that she won't let me forget about. I started it last year. Hot fudge banana French toast, how can you beat that? She was pretty excited. We also gave her her presents. I made her a photo book from 2-3. Yes, I'm completely behind, about 6 years worth:). We decided to leave Lawson home and just make it a really special day focused on Cambree. She was so excited when she got done with school. She told me she wanted to get her ears pierced and that she wanted Aprils birthstone which is diamond. Apparantly her friend who is a couple weeks older than her had just got hers done. I told Cambree we could go do it if it was something she really wanted and wasn't just doing it for her friends or because her friends had it done. Her immediate answer,"okay, never mind. I don't want to." I was pretty surprised but I think it turned into a good lesson. She is a silly girl sometimes. We told her we would take her anywhere she wanted to eat. She chose Macaroni Grill. We also decided to start getting use of our pass of all passes and went to trafalga in Lehi. we had a lot of fun there. Laser tag, rides and rock climbing. All in all I think it was a good birthday. On fri. We let Cambree have a late night party with. Few friends. She invited Heather, Megan, Payton, Ellie, and Emma Kate. I usually go all out with decorations and all that, but this party was pretty low key since I wasn't feeling great and we will be having a big family arty when she gets baptized. The girls made mini pizzas and per Cambrees request we had mini cupcakes. The girls got to stay until 9:30 and I think all in all it was a success!It still amazes me that 8 years ago we sat in great anticipation for the beautiful girl we couldn't believe was coming so soon. I remember us frantically trying to come up with a middle name for her. Originally I had thought she shouldn't have one because I didn't have one. Then the night before her arrival I was adamant that she should have one because I was always a little upset that I didn't. I wanted something that had meaning and purpose something that would in someway describe the amazing ness of this little soul and all we had been through. I wanted her named after me, but Cambree Emilee just didn't fit right. After looking for quite sometime Ben found Malli, it means flower. Yes, that would be perfect so delicate yet so strong to grow into such beauty. It also is like Emilee without the E. I loved it from the minute I heard it and knew that it was very fitting.I am so very proud of my little girl and the amazingly loving beautiful girl that she is. She has given me a world filled with wonder and joy and I look forward to what her future holds in store for her. I have great hopes for all that she can become. She never ceases to amaze me and the love and concern that she has for others is a great gift that she has been blessed with. I've learned more from her in her 8 years than I could have ever learned otherwise. I pray we continue to teach each other and learn along the way. I love you sweet Cambree Malli and all that you are!

"whats so special about mothers?"

Im sure many of you have either seen or heard of the movie Mars Needs Moms.  But have you ever read the book?  It is a beautiful book with an even more beautiful message.  Everytime I read this book to my children, I cry.  As I read it to Lawson this morning my reaction was no different.  It got me thinking about my relationship with my children and then even further my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Those that know me well, or have been reading this blog for awhile understand that every April memories come rushing back to me and envelope my soul.  They take me back every year to the time that I was pregnant and struggling for survival, mine and my daughters.  It never fails.  Its not conscious and sometimes I dont even realize it is happening until I am fully engulfed in my emotions and sit wondering what on earth is the matter with me, only then to realize it is that time of year.  I dont dread it, its not a sad time, but a time of rememberance and reflection that leads me to ponder much about my life and my purpose.  This year was no different.  In all honesty, I think this year is slightly harder than the past few have been.  It is this realization that my daughter is turning 8 years old.  In our religion, this is a very significant age.  It is the age of accountability, the age where they are baptized and make covenants with our Heavenly Father, the age where they receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.  The past nine months, all I keep asking myself is, "Have I done enough, have I taught her enough?"  I dont think I will ever know the answer to this question.  I can only pray that I have done my best and wherever Ben and I have been lacking that Heavenly Father will make up the rest. 

I remember when Cambree wasnt even 1 and I was told that I had a 50% chance that I would live 5 years.  I went through so many different scenarios in my head and wondered, truly wondered if I would live to see the day that my daughter would be immersed into the waters of baptism.  If I would be here for that glorious day.  Im so happy to know that I will be and even more grateful that I am doing as well as I am healthwise.  It has definitely been a ride.  As I look over the past 8 years I wonder if I have been the best mother I can be.  Honestly, probably not all the time.  There are times I have yelled when I shouldnt have yelled, times when I didnt listen to her and I should have, times I should have taken her to the park or for a walk.  But dont we all have these moments?  I know I need to be a better mother.  I know I am harder on myself than anybody else could be, I know that I am doing my best and most importantly I know that my daughter loves me anyway. 

To conclude my jumble of thoughts, as I read Mars Needs Moms and I think on the love that mothers have for their children, that yes, they truly would give their life for the life of their child.  I think on the Savior and especially this Easter season the sacrifices that he made for all of us. I know that being a mother helps me understand a tiny bit more the love that the Savior has for me.  He did die for us, He suffered for us, and as a mother we would do the same for our babies.  Fortunately, most of us arent asked to, but it allows us to also have a better relationship with our Savior because we can understand at least to some degree why he did what he did for us.  Im so grateful for that gift and so grateful for the knowledge that I have of the atonement and sacrifice that was given on my behalf.  I pray that I can be a better mother with each passing day When the time comes I pray that I can look my Savior in his loving eyes and know that I did my best and that my children will truly know what is so special about mothers.

Day 14

TV show (or shows) you're currently addicted to-
Modern Family...my favorite show on tv right now.
The Voice...I love Adam Levine
Army Wives...the new season starts soon. I'm so excited.

My guilty pleasures that I'm not proud of:
Teen Mom 2
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
both of these seasons are over. Maybe next season I won't watch...hmmm we'll see.