Outrun CF and a little about my journey

Today was absolutely amazing!  We had our outrun CF 5k and here is the group that came to support us!  I love them all and am so grateful for them in my life. 

The whole crew that came this morning.  My awesome sis in laws made some shirts since ours didn't make it in time.  Im feeling very blessed and very loved!

 I have more pictures to follow, but as CF awareness month has ended I just want to share a little about the journey that I have had with CF.  I was born on December 28, 1979 and within 3 days of life had to have surgery.  I had a blockage in my small intestine and had to have 20% of it removed.  My parents weren't sure how I would do with surgery.  In our church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints when babies are born they are given a name and a blessing.  This usually happens in the church during our Sacrament service and the baby is all dressed in white.  Due to the circumstances surrounding me, my parents decided to bless me in the hospital.  I did well with surgery and when my mom saw me after surgery she knew that I had Cystic Fibrosis.  My brother that is 2 years older than me has it as well so they knew what they were dealing with.   I wasn't actually diagnosed until about 3 months.  When my brother was diagnosed they were told he would live to be maybe 13.  I cant imagine the devastation that must have been with my parents knowing that 2 of 3 children would most likely not make it to adulthood. 

Fast forward through my life and I don't really recall CF playing a huge role.  I did everything the other kids did.  I did sports, gymnastics, dance and cheered all 4 years of High School. It was rare that CF held me back from anything.  Of course it took a lot of dedication to make sure I did all my treatments and stayed healthy but I didn't feel any different than anybody else.

I think when I really understood that I had a disease was when I was in 4th grade and got pneumonia.  I missed a month of school and knew that wasn't a normal thing. Thankfully throughout my life I have had amazing teachers that were very helpful and supportive and I never got behind.  In 8th grade I remember getting very sick again and for some reason my mom and I had a very irrational idea about going in the hospital, thinking that if I went in there then it was the beginning of the end.  The Drs. worked out a plan that if we stuck to, they wouldn't make me go in the hospital.  I had to do an inhaled antibiotic 3 times a day, this meant I had to go to my Grandmas everyday during lunch and do medicine.  Every night my friend Kevin would come and sit with me and keep me company since it took a really long time to do.  His mom even bought us bean bags to hang out on.  Thankfully I always had the most supportive and loving friends.  When I was 15 the time came that I finally needed to go in the hospital.  I was super scared and truly thought maybe I wouldn't live very long after this.  After that first stay though, I realized it wasn't as scary as I thought and I felt awesome.  In fact those 10 days became days that I looked forward to.  I would have friends come and stay overnight and it became a party with fabulous food.  I continued to go in the hospital every year until I was 21 and then things changed a bit for me. 

I was going to my 4th year of College getting my Bachelors degree in Psychology at Weber State University and living in Ogden.  I had had a few small episodes of hemoptysis, (coughing up blood.) My dr had always said if it was more than 1/4 cup then you needed to worry.  It usually stopped before that so I wasn't too worried.  Then came that fateful day,  I was at Disney on Ice at the Delta Center and I suddenly started to feel weird.  I went up to the bathroom, my cousins boy Dakota came with me because he needed to go too.  I think he was 4.  We were in the bathroom stall and I began coughing up lots and lots of blood.  It was awful and very scary.  I kept telling Dakota that I just had a bloody nose and to turn away.  I really wasn't sure what was going to happen at that point.  Finally it stopped and we went back to our seats.  I remember my grandma telling me I didn't look very good.  I told them after what had occurred.  I believe the next day I ended up in the ER with my oldest brother and the Drs. just sent me home.  Well the bleeding continued on and off and I ended up in the hospital.  The first night there my mom stayed with me and I had the worst bleed I have ever had in my life.  They believe I lost around 6 cups of blood and I nearly needed a transfusion.  I had a lung embolization at that time and didn't have a bleed again until 2 years later when I was pregnant with Cambree. 

A few months later I got married, had a good job and then I began going in the hospital a lot more.   Im sure some  of the reason was from the embolization but I think mostly it was from the stress of my job.  I was placing people with disabilities in a type of foster care and managing the home.  It took a lot out of me.  In fact I had 4 hospital stays in the year and a half that I worked there.  This was unheard of for me.  I then learned that I was pregnant and knew that I needed to quit my job.  Pregnancy went mostly good.  I ended up on oxygen at about 31 weeks and had some severe rib pain that caused things to go downhill fast.  I was admitted at 32 weeks and my PFTs were in the low 20s.  They think they probably got a little worse after this point but I wasn't well enough to do PFTs again.  After being in the hospital for a day I ended up on 8 liters of Oxygen and after a week I had hemoptysis and was intubated and embolized.  Cambree was born at 34 weeks and I was again intubated and embolized right after she was born.  I had one more episode shortly after she was born that I was embolized for, but thankfully both Cambree and I did well and 9 years later Im still here to share my story.  I was on Oxygen 24/7 for about a year and half and amazingly I have been able to come off it for the most part.  I still wear it to exercise and sleep.  There are times when it is needed 24/7 but thankfully they are not very frequent.  These past 9 years I have had to learn a lot more about CF and face fears that I hoped I would never have to face.  I have learned to let go of some things, cleaning my house isn't nearly as important to me as it once was and learning the word no, is something I have had to do.  I have never wanted CF to control any part of my life but with time I have realized it is easier to give into it a little than to fight it.  I have had to learn different ways of doing things.  Playing catch with my daughter requires oxygen.  Pushing my son on the swing or chasing them in the water requires oxygen.  Sometimes its okay to take a nap.  But I have made a promise to myself that if at all possible I will do it, I just might have to do it differently than most.  I learned the hard way that running is just something my body cant do. Im pretty stubborn so sometimes it takes me longer to get it and let go. 

In the past 9 years I have had quite a few hospital stays and with each one there is always the fear wondering if my numbers will come back up and if I will be able to keep pushing on.  Thankfully through the power of prayer, priesthood blessings and faith I know that I am on the right track and my days are not yet over.  I pray I have years yet to live and feel as though I do. 

During my journey I have met some of the most amazing people with CF.  They truly inspire me everyday and I learn from them and hopefully become better because of them.  I am thankful that I get to call them friends.  I have lost some along the way and I like to think they help watch over me.  I miss them, but I am so grateful that I knew them.  I have the most amazing support system.  I don't know what I would do without my family and friends.  I also know without the gospel in my life I would be lost.  I have truly felt the love of my Savior surround me in times when I thought I couldn't go on.  I have been strengthened and lifted and receive the peace and the strength I need to journey on.  I truly think I am the most blessed girl in the world!  I could not have asked for a better husband.  He lifts me up everyday and gives me the strength to push on.  I don't know what I would do without him and my 2 sweet children.  When I don't feel like exercising or doing my medicine I think of them and it doesn't take me long to get my butt in gear.  I do it for them.  I do it for me.  I do it because I am a fighter and I will outrun CF!

Just starting our journey!

papa, Bull and Kathi

This is how we roll.  Ben carrying my backpack and me tied to the leash.  Literal ball and chain:)

Dad, Lesa and Payton

At the finish line.  Feeling good.  My first 5k for the books.

My sweet family!  They make this journey worth living everyday.

My awesome mama who is a rockstar!  I can never repay her for all she does for me.

The nieces and nephews that walked with me.  Jake was awesome!

My brothers and Sisters that were able to come.  I love them all so much and am so grateful for each of them in my life.

The parents, minus my dad that had to leave for a funeral. 

I am truly to grateful today and everyday for all the amazing people that show me so much love and support.  They are my strength and they help me to keep fighting.  One day CF will stand for Cure Found.

What a week it has been

I have been home exactly one week today!  It has been a crazy 6 months in regards to my health and an especially hard winter.  Since Sept. I have been in the hospital 4 times.  It has been hard and frustrating.  I have put off writing this blog today because I felt that all it would be was negative and thats not me.  Its really not.  I have had a rough few days and this morning was the clencher. 

On Wed. afternoon I got a call from a good friend of mine who has CF she heard some awful news about another CF friend and we needed to find out if it was true.  The news she heard was not true, but the truth was still very upsetting.  Our friend Angelic had been sent to ICU and needed to be vented.  Its heartbreaking and scary.  Then last night Cambree came down for dinner and sounded kind of funny.  I asked if she was sick and she said she had been coughing a little.  It has sent my mind reeling and its time to reel it back in.  I am hoping that sharing some of my thoughts will do that. 

I met Angelic in Sept so we havent known each other very long, but the thing about connecting with someone with CF it is as if you have known each other forever.  We became instant friends and have had 3 hospital visits together since then.  We have had some good visits and been cheerleaders for each other.  She txt me the Sunday before she was coming to clinic and said she wasnt doing good and was going to be coming into the hospital again the next day.  I was in the hospital and was looking forward to seeing her although I was sad she was coming in again. She just left about 10 days before this so this was not good news.  The next day she was admitted and we txt a bit.  I didnt go visit her that day because I knew she was tired and upset and I didnt want to bother her.  On Tuesday I stopped by her room and we visited for a little bit.  She was scared and worried.  We talked a bit but I didnt want to visit too long.  I could tell she was tired.  She definitely was worrying me.  Everyday I would check on her and she would say, I think Im getting a little better.  On Friday I was discharged and I said good bye to her and that I would be checking on her.  I have not been able to get her off my mind.  I have never seen her that sick and that tired.  It really worried me. 

I got home and settled and had a lovely nights sleep in my own bed.  The next few nights were filled with horrible dreams about CF and my health failing me.  I kept telling Ben about it.  I thought it was probably because I was so worried about Ang.  On Monday me and the kids were playing around and Lawson coughed.  Just a little cough but it didnt sound good.  Cambree instantly looked at me and then began to cry and was worried that I would get sick and have to go back in the hospital.  It broke my heart.  Thankfully our little comic relief Lawson knew just what to say.  "Sissy crying?"  "Yes, buddy, sissy is crying."  "Sissy hungry."  We all laughed and laughed.  Of course, all this crying because she is hungry.  The next day my Oxygen wasnt doing great.  I have been borderline 90's so I decided to just wear it all day and not have to worry about it and hopefully give my lungs a little rest.  When Cambree got home from school I made sure to tell her why I was wearing it and she seemed fine with it.  Usually when I start wearing my oxygen 24/7 it is a sign that I am sick and need to go in the hospital.  That night Cambree put a letter on my lap as she went up to bed.  It read, Mom we need to talk.  Come to my room in 2 min. and knock.  She had just been a little stinker and got in trouble so I thought it had something to do with that.  When I got up to her room she apologized for how she had acted and then she asked through her tears, "why are you wearing oxygen?"  It broke my heart to see my daughter so worried about me.  No 8 year old should have to worry this much about their mom.  I held her and talked to her about the reasons for wearing it and she continued to cry and cry and share all the burdens of her little heart.  She is so worried that I will have to go back to the hospital soon and I cant blame her.  I am worried about it myself.  I tried to console her the best I could and as I went to sleep that night tears wet my pillow. 

Then Wed came and the call from my friend Somer.  I have been able to think of nothing else.  My thoughts are consumed with my dear friend Angelic and her fight for her life.  It has brought all the ugliness that I hate about CF to the forefront and I am trying despereately to push it back.  Then with Cambree getting sick my other worries about myself going back in too soon can not be contained.  Everytime Cambree would start to come near me she would start to cry because she knew I shouldnt be by her.  What mother cant cuddle her own daughter when she is sick for fear of it sending her to the hospital for 2 weeks and possibly losing precious lung function?  About a month ago my sister in law Abby called me with an idea.  She asked if it would help if when my kids got sick they went and stayed with her for a few days?  I was so grateful to her for offering, but I did not want to have to send my kids away when they are sick.  I knew it was a smart thing since if I get sick I have to leave for 2 weeks but what mother does that?  Now I am faced with it.  What do I do?  Well, being a week out of the hospital I am acceptionally vulnerable to any type of illness and I knew I had to take Abby up on her offer.  I asked Cambree if she wanted to go to Abby's I wasnt going to send her if she didnt want to.  She said she did and then she said, "I just dont want to get you sick."  crushing...  As Abby left out the door with her, the tears began to fall.  I felt defeated.  I felt as though CF was taking everything from me and wondered how my children would view me when they thought back on our lives together.  Every miserable thought that I shouldnt have been thinking was flooding my brain and consumming my soul.  Then my husband called.  My oh so wise husband, truly.  He knows me so well and he knows when I need a loving consoling husband or a put on your big girl panties husband.  Well people it was a big girl panties kind of day and he put it to me.  He told me I needed to change my thoughts and be grateful and quit consumming myself with all of this or I would end up in a dark hole of deep despair.  I hated hearing it.  In fact I was a little upset with him.  But as we hung up the words he said sank in and I knew I needed to change my thoughts.  I began to feel a deep gratitude for Abby for taking Cambree and for showing her the love she needs now.  Im thankful that she could see this answer because I know I never could have.  I also know Cambree felt relief going somewhere that wouldnt get me sick.  Thinking of Angelic and the short friendship we have had it made me not want to be friends with another person with CF, but yet as I sat thinking about all of the beautiful people that I know and how they have made my life better I would never wish to not know them.  Yes, CF has its challenges and yes, it takes up so much of my life, but it has made me this person that I am and for that I am grateful.  It has made these friends who they are and I wouldnt know them otherwise or want them any other way.

Life is hard.  It is.  There is no way around that, but we are given beautiful moments and amazing experiences.  I know when I am in the darkest of days I can look to my Savior and he can fill me with Light if I let Him in.  I am trying to let him in and help me to feel that peace again.  As I read my scriptures today I felt that.  As I read uplifting quotes from apostles and prophets I feel that.  I know He knows us each individually and can give the comfort we need if we only let Him.  I pray that my dear friend can feel His peace and love surround her and I pray if it be His will that she will be able to pull through this.  But if He has other plans I will trust in that and the heavens will gain one amazing angel and the reunion of her with her mother and sister will be something so sweet and beautiful.  I love you Ang and I know if you have any control over this you will fight for it. 

Laura's funeral

Today was hard. It was truly one of the hardest things I have done. I said good-bye to my dear friend. I bawled through my whole talk, but I hope it was well received. I am truly honored that I was able to pay tribute to her through my words. I pray it is what Laura would have wanted said.

My talk

I would like to introduce myself and share how Laura and I became friends. I’m Emilee Pehrson I didn’t know Laura until their family moved into our ward 6 or so years ago. I was the Young Women’s President at the time and was needing an advisor for the Miamaids. After praying about this i felt as though Laura was right for the calling. I talked with our bishop, who at the time happened to be my brother and she was called. We had a good friendship during those years serving together but it was after her diagnosis that things really changed for us. You see I have a disease called Cystic Fibrosis and suddenly we both had this greater understanding for each other. I will never know what it is like to have cancer and all that Laura went through, but we both understood what it was like to be sick, and having someone that understood that helped us both in so many ways. We would talk on the phone often and got close through our car rides to Drs, treatment, lunches and other things. Laura always made it appoint to come see me in the hospital even though I know it was never an easy thing for her, I enjoyed those visits very much. Im so grateful that we were able to be so close.

There are so many things in this world that are unsure, constantly changing, or even scary. But I want to speak on truth. There are 3 absolute truths that I know without any doubt. They are unchanging, they are constant.

1- Each one of us is here because we were touched in a beautiful way by an amazingly strong, loving, courageous woman. Laura Diane Mutch St. Jacques

2-we will see Laura again. Because of Gods plan she will be with her family for all eternity.

3-our Savior Jesus Christ made all of this possible through his atoning sacrifice for us all.
In a talk titled "Sunday Will Cone" Joseph B. Wirthlin said:

In all the history of the world there have been many great and wise souls, many of whom claimed special knowledge of God. But when the Savior rose from the tomb, He did something no one had ever done. He did something no one else could do. He broke the bonds of death, not only for Himself but for all who have ever lived—the just and the unjust.

When Christ rose from the grave, becoming the firstfruits of the Resurrection, He made that gift available to all. And with that sublime act, He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow that gnaws at the souls of those who have lost precious loved ones.

This is the comfort and peace we are able to have, knowing we will be with Laura again.

If anyone talked to Laura for very long you most likely talked of her family, her beautiful children and her loving husband. When Laura and I were first getting to know each other and learn each others stories she told me the story of going to be a Nanny and how she met Bob. When you hear her tell it you know without a doubt that she was brought to Massachusetts to meet Bob and to start a life with him. They were married in the Manti temple and now have the amazing blessing of being together for time and all eternity. What a comfort that is.

Laura had this amazing gift for creating things. When we were in Young Womens together she was the official person to come up with ideas for crafts for girls camp. I couldn’t create anything to save my life and we would often laugh about this. I would ask Laura to come up with something and all she had to do was look in her closet of material and crafts and she had an idea and enough supplies for 20+ girls. I loved that about her.

Laura served a mission in the south states when she was younger and whenever she spoke of her mission you could feel the love that she had for those she served and taught. She is on a different mission now and I am sure that she is ready and eager to fulfill her second mission to bring souls unto Christ and to teach them of this gospel. I know that although she is not physically here she will be helping to rear her children from the other side. They have one incredible Angel looking after them.

One of the most amazing things about Laura is that even though she was struggling tremendously she still found ways to serve others. I will never forget the great act of service that she did for me in November. We had been talking earlier that day and I had been complaining to her. It seems silly now that I was the one complaining. Ben was away on business and I was sick and knew that I would be going in the hospital when he got back. He had told me to ask people for help, but it was something that was really hard to do. I remember telling Laura, “when people ask me what can I do? I never know what to have them do. The only thing I can ever think of is to have them bring me dinner and I am not going to ask people even family to bring me dinner.” She agreed that its hard to ask for something like that. Well, I had complained to the wrong woman. We finished our conversation and about 30 minutes later I received a text message from her. "I’m bringing over dinner tonight." I of course told her she didn’t need to do that and she responded with "well if you don’t let me you will make me feel bad." I would never want to make her feel bad, but I couldn’t believe that this woman who had just finished her last bout of radiation the day before was going to bring me dinner. It was a delicious dinner and I hope she knows how much it meant to me. That is the kind of woman Laura was. I know she struggled tremendously the last few years with finding ways to serve others with her lack of energy and other struggles she was going through, but I don’t think she realized that her friendship to those around her was the greatest service of all. I have a book called She and as I read from it I think of Laura. I would like to share a few passages from it.

she just had this way of brightening the day...celebrate her radiance

she made the whole world feel like home...celebrate her warmth

She made the whole world a better place...Celebrate her.

I hope we can all celebrate Laura and the life she lived. I hope we can celebrate the memories that we have shared with her.

As Laura went through all her ups and downs I would call her to see how things were going. We would laugh together and cry together. She would rarely complain and if she did she always apologized for it. I would always tell her she had every right to complain, but it was so rare for her that it just didn't come easy or natural. Then I would watch as she would go through the next battle in cancer and I was truly always awe inspired at this woman. She had incredible strength and faith that could move mountains. If faith alone could have cured her of this awful disease, it most certainly would have. She had more faith than anyone I know. I know now that The Lord had a different plan, but I know that because of her faith he blessed her and helped her through every battle she endured. I know that she was brought through the other side with loving embraces from those that have passed before her and that the Lord was pleased with the mission she accomplished here on earth.

I would like to close with a scripture, in Enos 1:27 it reads
And I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my Redeemer; for I know that in him I shall rest. And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father. Amen.

I know that Laura is with her Savior again and he has welcomed her with open arms saying “well done thou good and faithful servant.” May we all strive to be a little better and remember the example that Laura was to each of us is my prayer. I will miss you my friend. Until we meet again.

In the name of Jesus Christ Amen

Disheartening Events

This past weeks events have proved some of the most emotional I have had in sometime. Needless to say I am back in the hospital for the 5th time in under 365 days. This in and of itself can be emotional but compared to the other things going on seems trivial.

My dear friend is dying...even writing these words makes my heart hurt. I am so saddened for her family, and saddened that I cant be there in some way. Im feeling awfully far from home. My friend has suffered from stage 4 breast cancer. For the past I believe 3 years. Chemo and radiation have been common place. I have spent many pleasurable hours with this amazing woman. The strength Laura has is a force to be reckoned with. If faith alone could have cured her, it would have been done.

The second emotional experience was hearing that another dear friends oldest brother passed away due to an aneurism in his brain, it was sudden and shocking. They were our neighbors all growing up and the one thing that has always stuck out in my mind about Nick was his kindness. I remember one morning after a long nightfall of snow, the snowplow came by, causing all the snow that had been previously shoveled to block the exit of our driveway. My mother was distraught. I believe she was trying to get us to school. Then without question or even asking for help Nick came and shoveled us out. It's amazing how such small acts of kindness can change a person for life. I was a mere 12 or 13 years old yet I can see these events so clearly as if they happened yesterday. I believe it was the first time I truly saw or at least remember what it meant to be "in the service of your fellow men". I've never, nor will I ever forget this young mans service.

As I contemplate both of these events and the lives they are leaving behind, spouse, children, I am so perplexed at how anything not of this earth can be more important than raising your own children. But as I truly ponder and try to seek solace I find the gratefulness that God is all knowing, He has a plan. We may not ever fully understand but for me it gives me great comfort to know that all is in His hands and His mercifulness. Without that knowledge I'm not sure I could cope. I will miss my friend. I'm sure there will be days where I reach for the phone to call her and realize again she's not there. I pray she knows of my love for her and her family and I pray Nicks family knows my love for them also. This is a rough world we live in, but there is still so much good and so many good people that I am lucky enough to know.

I apologize for my ramblings, I needed an outlet and blogger is it. Here is A scripture that often gives me comfort and peace
"And I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my Redeemer; for I know that in him I shall rest. And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father. Amen." Enos 1:27

I pray for my dear friends, their families and anyone who is dealing with loss right now. Remember, all is not lost. Our lord and Savior died that we might live.

Yesterday

Yesterday was the day of the race I was wanting to run.  Wanting being the key word.  Its been on my mind all week, reliving all the miles I had gone to work up to it.  Even in the hospital I thought maybe it was a possibility if I didn't run a ton.  While in the hospital I walked/ran 3.1miles 3 or 4 different times.  It felt great. A treadmill is completely different than outdoors, but still it was a major accomplishment for me.  I continued to hold on to my goal.  Then I got out of the hospital...

I will spare you all the details, lets just say its been a rough six weeks.  As I go about looking fine, my body says otherwise.  I've contemplated whether exercising so rigorously has left me in this state, but have come up with no concrete answers.  I still exercise about 3 times a week, but not as hard.  Motrin is my new best friend.

Yesterday as I thought about all those runners out there I was saddened.  Saddened that I couldn't be there with them, saddened that my body is really annoying me (for lack of a better word),  and saddened that I had to let go of this goal.  Now that it's over and I can move on from it that is exactly what I'm going to do.  This month of November I'm focusing on all that I'm grateful for and all that CF has blessed me with rather than taken away.  I choose to be positive and happy and enjoying every moment that I'm blessed to have.  A little retail therapy never hurt either.

Disappointments and Realizations

I've been putting off this post for a couple weeks, I've known I've needed to share it, but I've also known I haven't wanted to and I've been far too emotional about it to write with a clear head.  Ive had an interesting couple of months.  I've set goals for myself that we're far out of my reach, and would push me nearly to my breaking point.

This goal in particular started when I saw a picture of a friend of mine on her facebook. It was a picture of her running on the beach. The amazing thing about this picture is that it was taken about 5 months post double lung/heart transplant. Seeing this made my heart full. I remember looking at it and thinking, I want to do that. As I had this thought many others entered. I wondered if I would have to wait for the time of transplant to be able to do this. Then I became inspired. Its difficult to know Sharlie and not be inspired. I decided then and there that I was going to get every last bit of life out of these lungs that I could. I was going to make them work harder than they have and I was going to see just how far we, my lungs and I could go together. (a little dramatic right?)

Shortly after, I decided to start running, I decided I wanted do a 5k in St. George in Nov. I was sure I would never run the whole time but wanted to say that I did it.

It took a stroller, a big tank of oxygen cranked to 8 liters and a lot of determination to get started. I looked ridiculous pushing that oxygen around, but hey you gotta do what you gotta do. I remember the first morning, I would walk for 3 min and then run for 1. That first min run was one of the longest of my life. I literally thought I was going to die. When all was said and done I think I walked/ran about 1.5 miles . The second day was similar, but as I checked my oxygen and heart rate I realized my heart rate was about 212 bpm. Not good! I was so frustrated. I remember going in and talking to Ben, nearly in tears sharing my dismay with him. I wondered if it was even physically possible for me to run. He gave me encouraging words and told me not to work too hard. I decided I needed to pray about it. I know it may seem silly to pray about running, does the lord really care if I run? Probably not, but he does care that it means a lot to me and he will lead me to what I should be doing. In that I have no doubt.

After praying and contemplating this matter for a while I remembered a talk I heard by Elaine S. Dalton. She talked about when she first started running she would walk a step and run a step and continued this until she was running more and more. I decided to try it and felt peace that this was a good way to go. It went really well and instead of boring you with all the details, I got to the point in a matter of weeks that I ran 1/2 a mile continuous without stopping, about 7 min. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited and had hope that I really could obtain my goal. Each day I was decreasing my time or Increasing my distance. I got up to 2.6 miles, running probably 1/2 of that intermittently. It felt good. Then a little over a month ago I was running/walking on the treadmill and I felt different. I couldn't run for nearly as long at a time and I had to stop quite a bit. I felt very short of breath. I was worried. That Sunday I walked up some stairs, got very short of breath and had quite a bit of pain. The best explanation I have is it felt like I had a weight on my chest and when I would breath deep the pain increased. I tried to take it easy that week, the pain eased but never completely went away. I then had a drs appointment. Typically I can tell if I'm going to need to go into the hospital. I definitely thought my numbers would be down but felt pretty good overall.

Every visit before I see the Dr. I do what is called a Pulmonary Function Test (PFT). This tests a lot of different things in my lungs, the main thing they look at is the FEV1. Basically, how much air I'm able to blow out in the first second. This determines how much infection is in my lungs. I got done with the first round ( we have to do it at least 3 times) I was anxiously awaiting the numbers to pop up on the screen. It takes a few seconds. When I saw them, shocked is the only way to describe my reaction. I looked at Ben and could see the shock on his face as well. My numbers were the lowest they had been in years, yet i was probably working harder than I ever had (i.e. exercise, treatments etc.) Two more tries brought similar results. Ben and I walked to the elevator and I couldn't even talk to him. If I did I would start crying. I was angry, sad, frustrated, and frankly scared. I don't admit that very often or very easily.

We talked with the Dr. about my running. We wondered if it had something to do with my low numbers. He told me to scale it back a notch and come back in a month to see where I was at. That night and the next day were very emotional for me. My hopes of being able to run we're shattered. I felt defeated. Here I had worked so hard and had wanted it so bad.

Logically when I think about running and needing 8 liters of oxygen I wonder why on earth I am doing this? It seems pretty ridiculous. I think the biggest problem is its just one more thing on the list of things that CF holds me back from and having to deal with that realization is never easy for me, big or small. Whenever someone tells me I can't do something I go into immediate "you wanna bet" mode. So to have my body tell me I can't do something it just makes me want to work that much harder. But at this point I fear I'd be doing more harm than good just to prove a point.

Two weeks after that appt. I called the docs and told them I knew it was time to come in. I have actually ran a little in pulmonary rehab, at the hospital they monitor me. I think we have come up with a good plan. No more than 2 minutes running consecutively and at least 2 minutes walking in between.

I'm still not quite sure the why. Meaning, why this is such a big deal to me. I guess I still have a hard time dealing with the limitations caused by Cystic Fibrosis and given my best efforts my lungs are not ultimately in my control. Of all the pills I've had to swallow, this has always been the hardest.

First Day of School

School has been in full swing for 2 weeks and I am a complete slacker on my blog. I have so many things to catch up on, but didn't want to skip this. Hopefully I'll get back to posting about our fantastic summer later.

My beautiful girl started 3rd grade. I can't believe how grown up she is. I think I cried a little for two days before school even started. I hate change, I always have. We had a pretty good gig going this summer, her, I and, Lawson. Cambree was the most helpful girl. She played with her brother everyday and helped me out so much. One day while I was exercising downstairs and she was watching him she called me and said, "mom, I'm going to give Lawson a bath is that ok?"
Ok? Holy cow, why had I not realized her abilities earlier in the summer?

There were 2 things Cambree was most excited for: 1- she got bangs, she has even sang many a songs about her newfound hairstyle. 2- getting glasses, which she actually just received thurs. and she absolutely loves them.

The first day of school Cambree was nervous, she had talked to a lot of friends her age and most of them were in the the other 3rd grade class. There was one friend that Cambree was super close to that she hadn't had a chance to ask. She was holding out hope that she would be in her class. As I walked with her to the doors we saw lists of classes posted. We both searched for her friends name. I finally saw it listed below the other teacher and my heart sank. I showed Cambree and I watched my brave little girl hold back the tears. I was so sad for her, I too was fighting back tears. I hugged her good bye, went back to my car, and let the water gates open. I think I rayed for her all the way home hoping she would have a good experience. As she barreled through the door that afternoon there was nothing but excitement in her voice. I was so relieved and do grateful.

I have found over the years that one of the many gifts my daughter has is the ability to make friends with anyone and everyone, and more importantly to be a good friend. I love this about her. I'm looking forward to an exciting year of learning and growth for her.

Cambree's baptism

Cambree was baptized on June 2, 2012.  It was such an amazing day that I have been looking forward to for quite sometime.  Unfortunately it had to be postponed a month due to me being in the hospital, but everything was perfect and she was so excited to get baptized.  Ben and I both wrote Cambree a letter to read the morning of her baptism and gave her a necklace that we have been holding onto for a while.  We bought her a butterfly necklace with a little diamond in it when she was about 3 years old.  I always knew I wanted to give it to her for her baptism.  As time has gone on since that purchase there have been times where I have wondered if I would be here to give it to her.  It was such an amazing experience to finally be able to and to know that I am going to be here for a good long time yet.  I think one day she will realize the significance of that necklace to me. 

The opening song for her baptism was Im Trying to Be Like Jesus, talk about get me crying right from the start.  I have sang this song to Cambree thousands of times.  Its one of our favorites.  Cambree and my sister Whitney also sang a duet that was beautiful its called When I am Baptized.  So basically I was a cry baby the entire time. 

When Ben stood in the font with her to baptize her and began to get a little choked up I too cried again, I am so proud of Cambree and her decision to become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She is such a special girl that has a huge heart. She loves people and is truly a kind little girl. I hope she can always stay that way and always remember how she felt on her special day.

Opening her necklace

Excited for the big day!

Very happy parents

My sweet little family

She is such a daddy's girl

Baylee got baptized the same day as Cambree

Cambree's cake. 

A June filled with emotion

I've been thinking about writing a post for sometime now, talking about the different emotions that have occurred, both highs and lows. Just when I would think I had what I wanted to say collected in my brain a new event would occur and change everything I was thinking. I'm sure this post will be scattered so please bear with me. June started out with the baptism of my baby girl. I'll post a separate post later, but it was a beautiful day. We were saddened to hear of the loss of our cousins father in law that day. Cambrees baptism could not have been more beautiful. I had tears often because of the joy I felt for the decision she had made. Then came our Anniversary, 10 wonderful years filled with a lifetime of experiences. I remember feeling a little sad with the realization that we only got about 1.5 years of marriage together with healthy Emilee. Sometimes I miss her desperately. I miss being fun and outgoing and not having my life revolve around medicine or oxygen. We had a wonderful Anniversary filled with amazing food and the joy of being together. The next weekend we went to Fish Lake for 2 days, although fun, it reminded me of how much I missed the healthy me as well. Having to wear my oxygen constantly gets really old really fast! The space between Anniversary and Fish Lake we heard some terrible news that two former classmates passed away. One a year older than me (suicide)and the other a year younger (accidental overdose) I was deeply saddened for their families, but more for them and the life choices they had made that brought them to this point. I remember thinking, by all counts these two should have outlived me. I was saddened that they were lacking in joy. I've been thinking a lot about joy and the quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley, "Life is to be enjoyed not just endured." I wish people understood this more. This life has so much to offer. I also have been thinking about a quote by President Thomas S. Monson, "Find joy in the journey." Find is an action, we might have to work a little to get the joy, but it is there to be found. My hope for everyone I know is that they can see the joy in their lives, that thy can feel the love that surrounds them and they can know of their great worth and talents they have. Not long after these deaths a fire started in our area. I have never seen a fire so close to us. After 24 hrs of it burning it began to become very real. A man that I don't know well, but that works for the city had his house burn down. He lost everything he owned. He had a trailer ready to load things, but because he was so concerned with the welfare of others he never got a minute to go back to his home. I had family that lost 100s of sheep. I became emotional hearing these stories. I was saddened for their loss. A few days passed and it seemed that things were getting under control. My nephew had his 9th birthday and a bunch of us went to 7 peaks to celebrate. On our way home we learned that Fairview, the town I live in was being evacuated. I remember feeling a sense of panic. I wouldn't be able to go home and grab anything. All I had was a swimming suit, some underwear (thankfully) a t-shirt, and some basketball shorts. My children each had an outfit and that was it. I didnt have the medicine I needed or even a car because I had loaned it to my brother to go home earlier. I'm not sure I've ever felt so helpless. I was with my sister in law Kim and we decided to go to my sister Brandi's house. It's kind of amazing how everything worked out, my sister Whitney was able to get me oxygen just before the place closed, I was able to get the most important medicine I needed just before the pharmacy closed. It was very apparent to me that I was being watched over. As I lay in bed that night with both my babies by my side (Ben was in Cedar City at a football camp) I realized that worse case scenario my house burn to the ground. I knew even if that happened(the likely hood was very slim) that we would be ok. My family was safe and that was all I needed to know. It was a humbling experience, realizing that none of this "stuff" matters. Yes, I would have been sad and there are things I wish I could have grabbed, but overall it all would have been alright. I'm thankful for the lesson I learned that day, but even more grateful for the joy and the love that I am so abundantly blessed with.

10 Years and Counting!

 I remember sitting in a hospital bed when he came in with some of my friends from High School.  They happened to be his cousin.  Its funny that thats where we met, the hospital.  Who knew how much our lives would revolve around that place.  When I first saw him, I thought he was pretty cute.  I thought he would be cuter without braces, but still cute.  Then he was messing with his pager and asked if he could use my phone to call it.  I then thought, why is this little rich boy here in my room?  Obviously he was less than interested in being there.  See, where I lived no one I knew had a pager to me that just meant he had a lot of money.  Yes, I was making judgements.  Then as we are all visiting suddenly I get beaned in the head with a rolled up piece of paper.  Is this kid for real?  He could not of been anymore obnoxious.  Fast forward to almost a year later.  I am out on the high school track warming up for cheer practice when the football boys come running out of the tunnel, (it was always the highlight of our practice.)  Then I saw him, I know, so cliche, the football player and the head cheerleader.  This is good stuff people.  I remember looking at him and thinking, this cant be the same annoying kid I met nearly a year ago.  In a matter of a few months I came to know that he indeed was.  I asked him to the first boy girl dance of the year, girls choice and as they say, the rest is history.  Nearly 15 years later I still like to think back on that time.  Two very young kids with only hope and love in their eyes.  I would never believe people could know what love is in High School, except that I did.  It has definitely been a rollercoaster with this boy.  It doesnt seem that much has come easy except the love that we have for each other.  That has never been hard. 

When he went on his mission for 2 years to Ohio I have never been so sad, but have never grown so much either.  It was an amazing time for both of us with much growth and learning.  It prepared us to be married, to be ready for marriage and especially to be ready for what would lie ahead of us.  Our wedding day 6 weeks after he got home could not have been more amazing.  Simple and elegant, just how I like things.  We had our most amazing family and friends supporting us and the future held so much.  I never could have known the journey we would go on, but I wouldnt change a thing.  No things have not always been easy, but I couldnt have done any of it without Ben by my side.  He is truly the most incredible man I know.  He never questions what we are asked to go through he just buckles down and treads ahead full bore never looking back or wondering what could have been.  He always gives me the peace and comfort I need when I need it and when I need someone to tell me just how it is, he does that too.  I have been so blessed to find him and am so grateful that we will be together with our beautiful children for all eternity!  What an amazing gift that is.  Thank you Ben for 10 incredible years of marriage you make each day fun and exciting.  I look forward to what the future holds for us and know that with you by my side we can get through anything! I love you!







 These are the only pictures I have on my computer so here  you go:

Our engagement picture that was on our invitation.

It was such a beautiful day!

One of my bridal pictures.

Remembering Mothers Day

As I sit here in my hospital bed, waiting for my beautiful family to join me I am reminded of a mothers day from long ago. Eight years to be exact. I sat in a room very similar to this one trying to wrap my head around what had just occurred over the past 4 weeks and how on earth I survived it all. I think I was wondering how on earth I was going to take on this mighty task of motherhood feeling the way I felt and being weaker than I had ever experienced before, mind, body, and soul. I remember not having any energy as I felt the withdrawals from the heavy pain medication they had me on that I had decided to stop "cold turkey". Bad idea by the way. I felt as if though this greatest calling of motherhood was too great a task for this naive young girl who could barely get out of bed. I remember getting enough strength to go and see her that morning and as I gazed at this tiny, most beautiful little thing my courage returned and I knew with her by my side I could conquer the world! I would fight with everything I had to live for her and Ben and I would spend everyday trying to be the best mother I could be. I knew with the help of the Lord he would help me to raise one of his most precious daughters. Thank goodness Ben and I wouldn't have to do it alone. Although I have fallen short many many times I continue to try and am grateful for the opportunity to raise my now 2 children. I'm grateful for a wonderful mother who has shown me how to be a mom and has loved me unconditionally. Without her I would not be who I am today! Although I would prefer to not be in the hospital for yet another mothers day, is this 3 or 4? I've lost track. As long as my babies are with me I'm home.

Cambree turns 8!

These pictures are completely out of order. I still have a hard time with Blogger. Haven't quite figured it out. I think I am still in shock that my baby girl is 8 years old. Where has the time gone? For her birthday Ben and I made her breakfast in bed. I'm pretty sure this is the new tradition that she won't let me forget about. I started it last year. Hot fudge banana French toast, how can you beat that? She was pretty excited. We also gave her her presents. I made her a photo book from 2-3. Yes, I'm completely behind, about 6 years worth:). We decided to leave Lawson home and just make it a really special day focused on Cambree. She was so excited when she got done with school. She told me she wanted to get her ears pierced and that she wanted Aprils birthstone which is diamond. Apparantly her friend who is a couple weeks older than her had just got hers done. I told Cambree we could go do it if it was something she really wanted and wasn't just doing it for her friends or because her friends had it done. Her immediate answer,"okay, never mind. I don't want to." I was pretty surprised but I think it turned into a good lesson. She is a silly girl sometimes. We told her we would take her anywhere she wanted to eat. She chose Macaroni Grill. We also decided to start getting use of our pass of all passes and went to trafalga in Lehi. we had a lot of fun there. Laser tag, rides and rock climbing. All in all I think it was a good birthday. On fri. We let Cambree have a late night party with. Few friends. She invited Heather, Megan, Payton, Ellie, and Emma Kate. I usually go all out with decorations and all that, but this party was pretty low key since I wasn't feeling great and we will be having a big family arty when she gets baptized. The girls made mini pizzas and per Cambrees request we had mini cupcakes. The girls got to stay until 9:30 and I think all in all it was a success!It still amazes me that 8 years ago we sat in great anticipation for the beautiful girl we couldn't believe was coming so soon. I remember us frantically trying to come up with a middle name for her. Originally I had thought she shouldn't have one because I didn't have one. Then the night before her arrival I was adamant that she should have one because I was always a little upset that I didn't. I wanted something that had meaning and purpose something that would in someway describe the amazing ness of this little soul and all we had been through. I wanted her named after me, but Cambree Emilee just didn't fit right. After looking for quite sometime Ben found Malli, it means flower. Yes, that would be perfect so delicate yet so strong to grow into such beauty. It also is like Emilee without the E. I loved it from the minute I heard it and knew that it was very fitting.I am so very proud of my little girl and the amazingly loving beautiful girl that she is. She has given me a world filled with wonder and joy and I look forward to what her future holds in store for her. I have great hopes for all that she can become. She never ceases to amaze me and the love and concern that she has for others is a great gift that she has been blessed with. I've learned more from her in her 8 years than I could have ever learned otherwise. I pray we continue to teach each other and learn along the way. I love you sweet Cambree Malli and all that you are!

"whats so special about mothers?"

Im sure many of you have either seen or heard of the movie Mars Needs Moms.  But have you ever read the book?  It is a beautiful book with an even more beautiful message.  Everytime I read this book to my children, I cry.  As I read it to Lawson this morning my reaction was no different.  It got me thinking about my relationship with my children and then even further my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Those that know me well, or have been reading this blog for awhile understand that every April memories come rushing back to me and envelope my soul.  They take me back every year to the time that I was pregnant and struggling for survival, mine and my daughters.  It never fails.  Its not conscious and sometimes I dont even realize it is happening until I am fully engulfed in my emotions and sit wondering what on earth is the matter with me, only then to realize it is that time of year.  I dont dread it, its not a sad time, but a time of rememberance and reflection that leads me to ponder much about my life and my purpose.  This year was no different.  In all honesty, I think this year is slightly harder than the past few have been.  It is this realization that my daughter is turning 8 years old.  In our religion, this is a very significant age.  It is the age of accountability, the age where they are baptized and make covenants with our Heavenly Father, the age where they receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.  The past nine months, all I keep asking myself is, "Have I done enough, have I taught her enough?"  I dont think I will ever know the answer to this question.  I can only pray that I have done my best and wherever Ben and I have been lacking that Heavenly Father will make up the rest. 

I remember when Cambree wasnt even 1 and I was told that I had a 50% chance that I would live 5 years.  I went through so many different scenarios in my head and wondered, truly wondered if I would live to see the day that my daughter would be immersed into the waters of baptism.  If I would be here for that glorious day.  Im so happy to know that I will be and even more grateful that I am doing as well as I am healthwise.  It has definitely been a ride.  As I look over the past 8 years I wonder if I have been the best mother I can be.  Honestly, probably not all the time.  There are times I have yelled when I shouldnt have yelled, times when I didnt listen to her and I should have, times I should have taken her to the park or for a walk.  But dont we all have these moments?  I know I need to be a better mother.  I know I am harder on myself than anybody else could be, I know that I am doing my best and most importantly I know that my daughter loves me anyway. 

To conclude my jumble of thoughts, as I read Mars Needs Moms and I think on the love that mothers have for their children, that yes, they truly would give their life for the life of their child.  I think on the Savior and especially this Easter season the sacrifices that he made for all of us. I know that being a mother helps me understand a tiny bit more the love that the Savior has for me.  He did die for us, He suffered for us, and as a mother we would do the same for our babies.  Fortunately, most of us arent asked to, but it allows us to also have a better relationship with our Savior because we can understand at least to some degree why he did what he did for us.  Im so grateful for that gift and so grateful for the knowledge that I have of the atonement and sacrifice that was given on my behalf.  I pray that I can be a better mother with each passing day When the time comes I pray that I can look my Savior in his loving eyes and know that I did my best and that my children will truly know what is so special about mothers.

Day 14

TV show (or shows) you're currently addicted to-
Modern Family...my favorite show on tv right now.
The Voice...I love Adam Levine
Army Wives...the new season starts soon. I'm so excited.

My guilty pleasures that I'm not proud of:
Teen Mom 2
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
both of these seasons are over. Maybe next season I won't watch...hmmm we'll see.

Day 13

So, I'm really terrible at this. I've just decided im going to do the ones I like. Today favorite quotes, mottos or versus. Thanks to pinterest I've found lots! One of my most favorite is my blog name Miracles Happen. Here are a few more.