Difficult conversations

Well it has happened. A day that I continually wondered about and have slightly dreaded. My daughter is getting older and having a more difficult time with me going in the hospital. I knew it would happen. I knew that it wouldnt always be such an exciting thing to come stay in the hospital with mommy and it be a "party". I knew one day she would realize that not all moms do medicine and go in the hospital. That not all moms cough all the time and take pills when they eat. I just didnt know however, that my beyond her years daughter would realize all of this at the tender age of 5. From the day Cambree has been born I have struggled with what to tell her about my disease. I believe in being really honest with your kids, but I also believe that children shouldnt have to deal with adult situations. I remember reading an article once about this very topic, about a parent that is sick and what to tell your children. It gave me a bit of clarity on the situation. It said that yes, be honest about what is going on, but not necessarily give all the scary details. I decided then and there to be really honest with Cambree. I would always let her know when I was coming in the hospital, when I was sick and that I had Cystic Fibrosis. I decided that I would tell her that this disease is taking my life only when I am at that stage and up until then reassure her of how much the hospital and my medicine helps me to be strong. I dont want her to learn from a text book that this disease is progressive and that the life expectancy is at 38 right now. I want to help her understand that medicine is progressing at a rapid pace and new things are being discovered. I want her to always know I will be honest and if I am really sick I will let her know that I am really sick. I just dont need to tell her all of this right now. Well the past couple of hospital visits Cambree cries a lot before I go in. It breaks my heart. I knew this time that I needed to be really honest about what was happening and hopefully try to alleviate some of her anxiety about it. About a week ago I thought for sure that I was going in the hospital. I told Cambree this and she cried a lot. I always try to get her to understand her emotions. To put words with her feelings. I asked if she was crying because she was sad, scared, angry etc? She said she was sad and she just wants me home with her. We continued our conversation. I talked about how life isnt always fair but thankfully because we have hospitals I can go and get the help I need. I tried to have her understand how good the hospital is for me. That they take good care of me and help me to have more energy when I come out. I asked her if she remembered why I go in the hospital and do medicine she said, "yes." I asked, "what is it called?" She looked at me with the saddest eyes and said, "I dont want to." I then realized that she knew it was something bad and she was scared to say it. Maybe that is because if she says it, it makes it more real. The next night we had a similar conversation and I began to talk about difficult things. I told her that everyone has hard things to deal with. That Heavenly Father gives us these hard things to help us to be stronger, to bring us closer to Him so that we can know Him better and depend on Him. I told her to pray while I am gone to see if she feels more comfort. I told her that my hard thing is to have Cystic Fibrosis and to have to do medicine all the time and go in the hospital. She then asked, "Whats my hard thing?" I said, "Well, its not easy to have a mom that is sick and goes in the hospital." Cambree said, "and cleaning, cleaning is a hard thing." I just laughed and agreed. She then asked what her dads hard things were. I said, "Its not the easiest thing to have a wife that is sick that has to go in the hospital. I said, "you know when daddy was little like you he didnt have a daddy. He never knew who his daddy was and that is a hard thing." I continued to tell her that everyone has hard things and sometimes you might think that your hard thing is harder than others but to always remember that although it may not seem like what they have to go through is as hard, its hard to them because they are going through it. I told her to always appreciate that it is hard for them even if it seems easy to you. We cried together and cuddled and I gave her a piece of paper with my number on it so she could call me anytime. She was so happy about that you would think I had given her gold. I didnt end up going in the hospital that day, but I am here now and I have given her another piece of paper with my name and she loves that she can call me anytime. Cambree is truly an amazing child. I couldnt have gotten a better daughter that could deal with what we deal with and still be the bright happy girl that she is. She truly is my sunshine. I hope that I handle these situations right and that these things will help her, as they have helped me to draw closer to her Savior Jesus Christ to know that He loves her and he has felt all of her pain and sorrow. I pray that I can teach her that.